diff --git a/ka-I_Like_Trains-finding_the_train.html b/ka-I_Like_Trains-finding_the_train.html index 240ccfd..0803a4f 100644 --- a/ka-I_Like_Trains-finding_the_train.html +++ b/ka-I_Like_Trains-finding_the_train.html @@ -8,49 +8,47 @@
No idea. Where are you?
Up here.
- Jack is standing on top of atop? one of the - metro trains. Michelle climbs onto the link between cars, from there - onto the the edge of the broken windshield, and Jack helps her up to the - rather sketchy-looking roof.
- Look, over there...
+ Jack is standing atop one of the metro trains. She climbs onto the link + between cars, from there onto the the edge of the broken windshield, + and he helps her up to the rather sketchy-looking roof.
+ Over there...
He points across the deteriorating trains, towards the outermost track of the overgrown train yard. A small roof – or in places what remains - of it – extends over the track from the side of a large building. - Several tank cars sit under it. Some are rusted through or missing - parts, but a few look like they might still hold liquids.
+ of it – extends from the side of a large building over several + tank cars sitting there. Some are rusted through or missing parts, but + a few look like they might still hold liquids.
Oh, wow! Maybe there's some gas left in there or something...
My thought. Let's check it out.

- They climb back down and make their way over to one of the tank cars. - Jack clmbs onto the end of the car and attempts to use the ladder - leading to the top. It crumbles under his feet. - I guess I found the way down – hey, use - me as a ladder instead. He leans against the tank and helps her - on top of it. + They climb back down and make their way over. Jack clmbs onto the end + of one of the more intact-looking cars and attempts to use the ladder + to the top. It crumbles under his feet.
+ Guess I found the way down.
+ I got this, help me up there.
+ He leans against the tank and helps her jump on top.

Michelle inspects the lid. It's held on with large nuts.
Do we have a wrench or something?
Jack looks around.
- I don't know. Lemme take a look in + Idunno. Lemme take a look in there...
- He disappears through an opening in the wall where used to be a door. + He disappears through an opening in the wall where a door used to be. After a moment, he reappears, triumphantly holding a huge adjustable wrench.
- It's a bit rusty but should do the + It's slightly rusty but should do the job.
I'm afraid to see what you call very rusty.
This thing, for example.
- He hits the ladder with it, causing a large section to break off and - crumble. Then, he hands her the wrench. After a bit of fiddling, she + He hits it against the ladder, causing a large section to break off and + crumble. Then, he hands the wrench over. After a bit of fiddling, she manages to get a good grip on one of the nuts holding the lid in place – it doesn't budge.
- Need a hammer or something?
- One of these pipes over there should - do.
+ Can you hand me one of these pipes? +
Jack picks up a section of metal pipe and passes it to her. Putting it over the wrench for additional leverage, she pushes against it until the bolt snaps with a bang.
@@ -60,9 +58,10 @@

One by one, she removes the other nuts. Some of them snap off, some unscrew with considerable force. She lets go of the pipe and attempts - to lift the lid – it's still stuck in place. Using the wrench - as a hammer, she whacks it until it comes loose...
- There's nothing in here.
+ to lift the lid – it's still stuck in place. She whacks + the wrench against its side until it comes loose...
+ There's a whole loada nothing in + here.
Great. I guess there are a bunch more we can try. needs a better reaction, may want to state disappointment explicitly
@@ -71,8 +70,8 @@ tank cars today.
Let's see about that... Mind giving me the wrench for a moment?
- She hands it back to Jack. He jumps over the gap between cars and uses - it to knock against the wall of the next tank.
+ He jumps over the gap between cars and uses it to knock against the wall + of the next tank.
Sounds empty.

@@ -83,32 +82,36 @@ Jackpot! She sniffs the smell coming off the liquid inside. Smells like diesel.
- Nice! Let's find a truck or something - to drive around in... Wait, stupid idea but I need to show you - something.
+ Nice! Let's find a truck or something... + Wait, stupid idea but I need to show you...
Oh no, what are you up to again?
- Nothing in particular... Wanna follow me for a - sec? + Nothing in particular. Wanna follow me for + a sec?

- Michelle jumps down and follows him to the entrance of the building. + She jumps down and follows him back to the former doorway. They walk over the door on the floor, past a counter to the left, into - the wide open hall. It is dimly lit by the light that makes it through - the dirty windows and small holes in the surprisingly intact roof. + a wide open hall. It is dimly lit by the light getting through + dirty windows and small holes in the surprisingly intact roof. note: Make it more clear that the windows are below the roof. Also, I imagine them to be milky windows for some reason. A few rows of large industrial shelves on the other side of the hall hold partially rotting crates. To either side of them are open spaces with machine tools, small cranes, and other machinery. A few - plants grow here and there. Through the center of the hall leads a - single train track with additional sets of rails for a gantry crane - besides it. At the end of the hall to the right, below the rusty crane, - sits a train wrapped up in tarps. + plants grow here and there. A single train track gioes through the center + of the hall with additional sets of rails for a gantry crane besides it. + To the right, at the end of the hall, sits a train wrapped up in tarps + below the rusty gantry crane.

The following dialog nededs to go / be entirely rewritten.

+ Stupid idea indeed, she says while walking towards it. Then, she corrects herself: Actually, it might be useful. That's one