From 1da081d1c5afd508d0e3b5e946b61653799b59e5 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: BodgeMaster <> Date: Tue, 26 Dec 2023 18:49:54 +0100 Subject: [PATCH] 05 Eventful Evening: Revision --- 05-Eventful_Evening-secret_organization.html | 70 ++++++++++---------- 1 file changed, 34 insertions(+), 36 deletions(-) diff --git a/05-Eventful_Evening-secret_organization.html b/05-Eventful_Evening-secret_organization.html index 6b35d2b..f2c356d 100644 --- a/05-Eventful_Evening-secret_organization.html +++ b/05-Eventful_Evening-secret_organization.html @@ -85,26 +85,25 @@ station. The platform is empty except for a shady figure in a hoodie leaning against the wall, observing the train from under his hood. She looks at the clock in the station: 10:34 PM - a bit late. As soon as he - notices her, he steps away from the wall and walks up to the train. - Is there a more elegant way to say that he stops - leaning on the wall? The pressurized air for the doors hisses in - the lines. Annie presses the button; the door opens. + notices her, he starts walking up to the train. The pressurized air for + the doors hisses in the lines. Annie presses the button; the door opens.

Hey, wait...
- The guy had made his way to the door and looks directly at her. - It's him from behind the library counter.
+ He had made his way to the door and looks directly at her. It's the + guy from behind the library counter.
We're gonna take this one for a couple stations.
- Annie steps aside and he gets on the train as well.
- My name is Lucas, nice to meet you. -
- He extends his hand as the doors close.
- Annie.
- He probably knew that already, right?
+ Annie steps aside and he gets on.
+ I'm Lucas, nice to meet you. He + extends his hand.
+ Annie. He probably knew that already, + right?
+ The door chime sounds and the doors close.
Sorry for being late.
- The hum of the motors sets in and the train begins to move.
- Perfect timing, I'd say.
+ The hum of the motors sets in and the train begins to move.
+ Perfect timing, I'd say. We were gonna + take this one anyway.
He makes a short pause before continuing quietly:
So about that interaction we had earlier today – I assume you want to leave the dome?
@@ -128,18 +127,17 @@

The streets are alive with people, seeminly few of them purposefully - moving in a specific direction; most of them are just meandering from - bar to bar. The street they are walking down is illuminated by strings - of lights hanging from the buildings and between street lights. The - muffled bass of techno coming from one of the buildings is in the air. - She enjoys the atmosphere, she hadn't been here in a little while. + moving in a specific direction; most are just meandering from bar to + bar. The street they are walking down is illuminated by strings of lights + hanging from the buildings and between street lights. The muffled bass of + techno is in the air. She enjoys the atmosphere, she hadn't been + here in a little while.

- Lucas turns left and enters one of the bars, Annie still following him. - They make their way through the crowded bar towards the counter. The air - feels dense and depleted, and carries the smell of alcohol. Live - musicians are playing Idk? Music genre? Need ideas - on a small stage area in the corner.
+ Lucas suddenly turns left and enters one of the bars. Annie follows him. + The air feels dense and depleted, and carries the smell of alcohol. A guy + is playing ragtime on a piano in the corner. They make their way through + the crowded room towards the counter.
Hey Kate, I'll take a Braincell Rattler and my uhh... friend here looks like she needs a coffee.
Okay. Going to the back room?
@@ -151,20 +149,20 @@ Lucas takes off his hoodie and hangs it on a hook on the wall. Annie does the same with her jacket. She looks into the room: A bunch of people sitting around a large, round table - to her surprise including her - grandpa.
- Grandpa Karl? - Language intuition question: Is this how one would - realistically refer to their grandpa?
- Hi Annie! - TODO: Fix this
- Before she has time to voice her confusion, they get interrupted:
- Here you go, your drinks. Enjoy!
- Lucas walks up to the window that connects to behind the counter.
- Thank you!
- Annie takes a second to regain her composure. - I don't think this is a great way to say that, Idk. + grandpa. Before she has time to voice her confusion, Kate sets their + drinks on a small table next to a window connecting to behind the + counter.
+ Here you go, enjoy!
+ Lucas walks up to it. Thank you!
+ Annie takes a moment to process the situation. + Is there a better way to say this?
Thanks.

+

+ Someone else to the grandpa: Addresses him with Karl. + ... + Karl to Annie: I guess I owe you an explanation. +

They sit down at the table. Karl starts introducing people and some introduce themselves. Then, he continues talking about the group's