From 2348f48f6f0ac988693c520508f064cd7d8ae49f Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: BodgeMaster <> Date: Wed, 4 Oct 2023 08:27:12 +0200 Subject: [PATCH] 'mb' First Steps Outside: revision Some minor language improvements and a fix for the section with the railing being before Annie voicing her astonishment of what she sees. --- mb-First_Steps_Outside.html | 41 ++++++++++++++++++------------------- 1 file changed, 20 insertions(+), 21 deletions(-) diff --git a/mb-First_Steps_Outside.html b/mb-First_Steps_Outside.html index 48a4ed3..34c96c2 100644 --- a/mb-First_Steps_Outside.html +++ b/mb-First_Steps_Outside.html @@ -14,10 +14,10 @@ sections. Moss grows on the rusted benches and trash cans.

- Jack turns off the generator and applies the brakes. Clanging from under - the floor followed by the squeaking of the brakes. The train runs over a - bunch of bushes and tall flowers that have taken root on the tracks - before coming to a halt next to a staircase in the center of the + Jack turns off the generator and decelerates the train. Clanging from + under the floor followed by the squeaking of the brakes. The train runs + over a bunch of bushes and tall flowers that have taken root on the + tracks before coming to a halt next to a staircase in the center of the platform.
Exit to the right, he says in unison with the automated voice while turning the switch for the doors and gesturing @@ -54,20 +54,24 @@ Jack chuckles. Well... No. Only during the day.
Annie looks around. They are standing on a balcony-like platform - overlooking a city in a valley. She walks over to the rusted railing and - goes to lean against it.
+ overlooking a city in a valley.
+ Wooow, she utters in astonishment.
+ Ivydale - or at least what remains of it. +
+ She walks over to the rusted railing and goes to lean against it.
Don't lean on that.
- Why not? She steps back.
+ Why not?
+ She steps back.
Watch.
He kicks it. Loud cracking follows, and the ringing of metal. A roughly two meter wide section of the railing breaks loose and falls. Annie takes a bigger step back. The railing crashes into the ground below with a loud ringing bang.
How did you know?
- Be careful around old buildings. I made the same - mistake over there.
+ I made the same mistake over there.
He points to another missing section in the railing that Annie - hadn't noticed before. + hadn't noticed before.
+ Be careful around old buildings.

Cautiously stepping back to the edge, Annie looks down. Bushes cover the @@ -77,11 +81,6 @@ remains of roads and staircases. Small rivers cut through the landscape. Annie looks up. The ruins further down the valley are larger the closer they are to the center of the urban area below.
- Wooow, she utters in astonishment.
- Would make sense for her to do that before the - whole "don't lean on that" thing...
- Ivydale - or at least what remains of it. -
It's much bigger than <dome city>.
Many things are bigger than <dome city>. @@ -91,12 +90,12 @@ used to call home.

- After showing her some notable landmarks, Jack leads Annie to the end of - the station that they entered it from. The balcony-like walkway turns - into a wide staircase where the mountain extends over the tunnels and the - back wall of the station. It leads down to a collapsed bridge next to a - large waterfall. Annie marvels at the sheer amount of water flowing by, - something that she's never seen before. + After pointing out some other notable landmarks, Jack leads Annie to the + end of the station that they entered it from. The balcony-like walkway + turns into a wide staircase where the mountain extends over the tunnels + and the back wall of the station. It leads down to a collapsed bridge + next to a large waterfall. Annie marvels at the sheer amount of water + flowing by, something that she's never seen before.

At this point, the documents are still in the driver's cabin and the