From 24e9bf18957e37c752ae21c128f0e841a71ca0e5 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001
From: BodgeMaster <>
Date: Sat, 7 Oct 2023 16:18:07 +0200
Subject: [PATCH] 'ga','oa','ra','va' (moon chapters): language improvements

---
 ga-Who_Died_Today-Emily_intro.html |  4 +--
 oa--Emily_lab_incident.html        | 39 ++++++++++++++++--------------
 ra--Emily_first_contact.html       |  8 +++---
 va-Alone-Lena_death.html           | 12 ++++-----
 4 files changed, 33 insertions(+), 30 deletions(-)
diff --git a/ga-Who_Died_Today-Emily_intro.html b/ga-Who_Died_Today-Emily_intro.html
index c760d45..82f58e8 100644
--- a/ga-Who_Died_Today-Emily_intro.html
+++ b/ga-Who_Died_Today-Emily_intro.html
@@ -76,9 +76,9 @@
   is in her module.
 </p>
 <p>
-  Emily turns around to find her older sister Lena sitting against the
+  She turns around to find her older sister Lena sitting against the
   wall - tears running down her face. After a moment to fully wake up and
-  grasp the situation, she asks:<br />
+  grasp the situation, Emily asks:<br />
   <span class="speech">Who?</span><br />
   Lena snivels and points to the ring on her finger. <span class="comment">
   Dictionary to the rescue! Is that the right word? ... </span>
diff --git a/oa--Emily_lab_incident.html b/oa--Emily_lab_incident.html
index 269a2c0..8f479a3 100644
--- a/oa--Emily_lab_incident.html
+++ b/oa--Emily_lab_incident.html
@@ -1,11 +1,11 @@
 <!DOCTYPE html><html><head><title> &lt;Emily Lab Incident&gt; </title><link rel="stylesheet" type="text/css" href="html_resources/style.css"></head><body><a href="index.html"><button class="back">&lt;</button></a>
 
 <h1> &lt;Emily Lab Incident&gt; </h1>
-<p>
+<p class="comment">
   If you are here for reading, skip past the outline.
 </p>
-<p>
-  *Outline:*
+<p class="comment">
+  Outline:
 </p>
 <ul>
   <li class="comment">
@@ -75,37 +75,40 @@
   <span class="speech">Not like anything else is gonna happen to
   us...</span><br />
   Lena shakes her head.<br />
-  <span class="speech">I don&apos;t want to live my remaining days alone.
+  <span class="speech">I don&apos;t want to spend my remaining days alone.
   Just don&apos;t do it, please.</span><br />
-  Emily gets up and wanders around the module. Her eyes fall on the drawers
-  in the adjacent maintenance module. She has an idea...<br />
+  Emily gets up and paces around the module. <span class="comment"> Is that
+  proper grammar?</span> Her eyes fall on the drawers in the adjacent
+  maintenance module. An idea forms in her head...<br />
   <span class="speech">Emily, where are you going?</span><br />
   She steps inside and rummages through a bunch of drawers, leaving them
   open as she opens the next one.<br />
   <span class="speech">What are you doing with that hammer?</span><br />
-  She storms off into the hallway; Lena follows her.
+  She storms off into the hallway; Lena jumps up and runs after her.
 </p>
 <p>
   As she runs through the door to the lab module, she smashes the hammer
   into its control panel. Arcing noises, the hissing of air pressure
   getting released, the broken equipment alarm beeps. The door comes
   falling down behind her, slamming into the floor and latching with a
-  loud click. She looks around for a moment as she catches her breath. The
-  walls are lined with work benches and cupboards above them. In the
+  loud click. She looks around for a moment as she catches her breath.
+</p>
+<p>
+  The walls are lined with workbenches and cupboards above them. In the
   center is an additional large workbench where Tony&apos;s lab mice are
   still running around in their cage, oblivious to the situation. Emily had
   kept them as pets after he died.
 </p>
 <p>
-  Banging on the door - Lena is outside. Emily walks over to the
-  Erlenmeyer flask that&apos;s sitting next to the sink in one of the
-  workbenches that line the walls. She lifts it up and looks through the
-  clear, blue liquid. Tony had written some science-y words on the flask
-  along with &quot;cure 5x concentrated&quot;, and closed it off with a
-  glass stopper. Emily removes the stopper and grabs a small beaker from
-  the drying rack on the wall above the sink. She pours some of the liquid
-  into the beaker, sets the flask aside, and tops it off with water from
-  the tap. Holding the beaker in her hands, she hesitates.
+  Banging on the door &ndash; Lena is outside. Emily walks over to the
+  Erlenmeyer flask that&apos;s sitting next to the sink built into one of
+  the workbenches. She lifts it up and looks through the clear, blue
+  liquid. Tony had written some science-y words on the flask along with
+  &quot;cure 5x concentrated&quot;, and closed it off with a glass stopper.
+  Emily removes the stopper and grabs a small beaker from the drying rack
+  on the wall above the sink. She pours some of the liquid into the beaker,
+  sets the flask aside, and tops it off with water from the tap. Holding
+  the beaker in her hands, she hesitates.
 </p>
 <p>
   Buzzing noises and clicking from the door. The latching mechanism opens.
diff --git a/ra--Emily_first_contact.html b/ra--Emily_first_contact.html
index 4ce0eb7..b243eb1 100644
--- a/ra--Emily_first_contact.html
+++ b/ra--Emily_first_contact.html
@@ -147,10 +147,10 @@ MOON-01 &gt; We have another problem somewhere along the line. There&apos;s
           apparently more noise than signal.
 </pre>
 <p>
-  Lena opens a cover with a small label &quot;P2&quot; and pulls two cards
-  out of their sockets and inspects them. One has a big black burn mark
-  right in the center.<br />
-  <span class="speech">Emily, can you fetch me this module from another
+  Lena opens a cover with a small label &quot;P2&quot;, pulls two cards
+  out of their sockets, and inspects them. One has a big black burn mark
+  right in the center. She turns to Emily:<br />
+  <span class="speech">Can you fetch me this module from another
   phone?</span>
 </p>
 <p>
diff --git a/va-Alone-Lena_death.html b/va-Alone-Lena_death.html
index fc662d8..2408cf8 100644
--- a/va-Alone-Lena_death.html
+++ b/va-Alone-Lena_death.html
@@ -144,12 +144,12 @@
   </li>
 </ul>
 <p>
-  Lena&apos;s low oxygen alarm starts to beep. Emily gets up and walks
-  back to the habitat. She enters through the airlock and looks for a
-  full oxygen bottle. She lifts one out of its rack and carries it back
-  to Lena. She opens the life support unit and closes the valves on it
-  and the empty bottle, then she replaces it and opens the valves again.
-  <br /><span class="comment">
+  The conversation is interrupted by the beeping of Lena&apos;s low oxygen
+  alarm going off. Emily gets up and walks back to the habitat. She enters
+  through the airlock and looks for a full oxygen bottle. She lifts one
+  out of its rack and carries it back to Lena. She opens the life support
+  unit and closes the valves on it and the empty bottle, then she replaces
+  it and opens the valves again. <br /><span class="comment">
   missing: Emily&apos;s LSU is also empty. She replaces the oxygen bottle
   and returns, sitting down next to Lena for company.</span>
 </p>
