- Context: They are exploring the Ivydale train yard -
- Michelle! Look what I found...
- She climbs through the gap between the rotting cars on the adjacent
- track.
- Where are you?
+ Michelle! Guess what I found...
+ She climbs through the gap between rotting cars on the adjacent track.
+
+ No idea. Where are you?
Up here.
- Jack is standing on the rather sketchy-looking roof of one of the
- trains. Michelle climbs onto the link between cars and Jack helps her
- to the top.
+ Jack is standing on top of one of the metro trains. Michelle climbs onto
+ the link between cars, from there onto the the edge of the broken
+ windshield, and Jack helps her up to the rather sketchy-looking roof.
+
Look, over there...
- He points across the deteriorating metro trains towards the outermost
- track of the overgrown train yard. A small roof - or in places what
- remains of it - extends over the track from the side of a large building.
+ He points across the deteriorating trains, towards the outermost track of
+ the overgrown train yard. A small roof – or in places what remains
+ of it – extends over the track from the side of a large building.
Several tank cars sit under it. Some are rusted through or missing
parts, but a few look like they might still hold liquids.
Oh, wow! Maybe there's some gas left in
@@ -27,67 +25,86 @@
They climb back down and make their way over to one of the tank cars.
Jack clmbs onto the side of the car and attempts to use the ladder
leading to the top. It crumbles under his feet.
- I guess I found the way down - hey, use me as
- a ladder. He leans against the tank and helps her up on top of it.
+ I guess I found the way down – hey, use
+ me as a ladder. He leans against the tank and helps her on top of
+ it.
+ Wording!! "ladder" and "helps"
+ reads weird twice in a row
Michelle inspects the lid. It's held on with large nuts.
Do we have a wrench or something?
Jack looks around.
- I don't know. Lemme take a look inside
+ I don't know. Lemme take a look in
there...
He disappears through an opening in the wall where used to be a door.
- After a moment, he reappears, triumphantly holding a large adjustable
+ After a moment, he reappears, triumphantly holding a huge adjustable
wrench.
It's a bit rusty but should do the
job.
I'm afraid to see what you call very
rusty.
This thing, for example.
- He knocks it against the side of the tank causing more pieces of the
- ladder to break off. Then, he hands the wrench to her. After a bit of
- fiddling, she manages to get a good grip on one of the nuts holding the
- lid in place - it doesn't budge.
+ He hits the ladder with it, causing a large section of it to break off
+ and crumble. Then, he hands her the wrench. After a bit of fiddling, she
+ manages to get a good grip on one of the nuts holding the lid in place
+ – it doesn't budge.
Need a hammer or something?
- Can you hand me that pipe? It should
+ One of these pipes over there should
do.
Jack picks up a section of metal pipe and passes it to her. Putting it
over the wrench for additional leverage, she pushes against it until the
bolt snaps with a bang.
That's certainly one of the ways to undo
- a nut.
- She moves on to the next one.
-
- missing section: Michelle opens the lid and finds some disappointing
- fact - it's empty or whatever
- then repeat for another one
+ a nut, she says before moving on to the next one.
- The contents of the next tank are more promising.
- Smells like diesel... We should go find a
- truck or something to drive around.
- Okay, uhh, stupid idea but I need to show you
- something. Jack grins.
+ One by one, she removes the other nuts. Some of them snap off, some
+ unscrew with considerable force. She lets go of the pipe and attempts
+ to lift the lid – it's still stuck in place. Using the wrench
+ as a hammer, she whacks it until it comes loose.
+ There's nothing in here.
+ Great. I guess there are a bunch more
+ we can try... needs a better reaction, may
+ want to state disappointment explicitly
+ She jumps down onto the edge of the car.
+ Looks like we'll be climbing a bunch of
+ tank cars today.
+ Let's see about that... Mind giving me
+ the wrench for a moment?
+ She hands it back to Jack. He uses it to knock against the wall of the
+ next tank.
+ Sounds empty.
+
+ The third tank seems more promising. It only makes a dull clunk
+ when Jack hits it with the wrench. He helps Michelle on top again.
+ The nuts on this one come off more easily and it doesn't take
+ long until she lifts the lid.
+ Jackpot! Smells like diesel.
+ Stupid idea but I need to show you
+ something.
Oh no, what are you up to again?
Nothing in particular... Wanna follow me for a
- sec?
- Michelle jumps down onto the edge of the car, then to the ground and
- follows him to the entrance.
+ sec?
- He walks over the door on the floor, past a counter to the left, into the - wide open hall. It is dimly lit by the light that makes it through the - dirty windows and small holes in the surprisingly intact roof. + Michelle jumps down and follows him to the entrance of the building. + They walk over the door on the floor, past a counter to the left, into + the wide open hall. It is dimly lit by the light that makes it through + the dirty windows and small holes in the surprisingly intact roof. note: Make it more clear that the windows are below the roof. Also, I imagine them to be milky windows for some reason. A few rows of large industrial shelves on the other side of the - hall hold partially rotting crates. On either side of the area with the - shelves are spacious areas with machine tools, small cranes, and other - machinery. A few plants grow here and there. A single train track goes - through the center of the hall with additional tracks for a gantry crane - to either side of it. At the end of the hall to the right, below the - rusty crane, sits a train wrapped up in tarps. + hall hold partially rotting crates. To either side of them are open + spaces with machine tools, small cranes, and other machinery. A few + plants grow here and there. Through the center of the hall leads a + single train track with additional sets of rails for a gantry crane + besides it. At the end of the hall to the right, below the rusty crane, + sits a train wrapped up in tarps. +
++ The following dialog nededs to go / be entirely rewritten.
Stupid idea indeed, she says while