From 69a39b4c386120a8bc5086f4283c904c1b5408a7 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: BodgeMaster <> Date: Mon, 8 Apr 2024 22:37:25 +0200 Subject: [PATCH] 'ma', 'mb', 'mc': revision of all three chapters Decided to work on all three of them bc they form one continuous section of the story --- ma-Escape-from_dome_city.html | 78 +++++++++++++++++++---------------- mb-First_Steps_Outside.html | 48 ++++++++++----------- mc-welcome_home.html | 24 ++++------- 3 files changed, 75 insertions(+), 75 deletions(-) diff --git a/ma-Escape-from_dome_city.html b/ma-Escape-from_dome_city.html index 26cd840..219a37b 100644 --- a/ma-Escape-from_dome_city.html +++ b/ma-Escape-from_dome_city.html @@ -15,18 +15,18 @@ blue. note: make it a theme that the metro is always yellow and red The only person inside is the guy who had called out to her, turning away from the door he had just opened. - His Neotek jacket flaps in the air as he runs to the other end of the - train – that has to be Jack. The motors begin to hum while Annie - is still running towards the open door. She jumps inside as the train - starts moving back in the direction it came from. The door closes just - after leaving the platform. + His Neotek jacket flaps in the air as he runs towards the other end of + the train – that has to be Jack. The motors begin to hum while + Annie is still running towards the open door. She jumps inside as the + train starts moving back in the direction it came from. The door closes + just after leaving the platform.

The train accelerates with a force stronger than anything she has ever felt before. The motors scream, the entire train rattles. While making her way to the front, she looks outside. The city flies by. The horn - sounds as the train barrels though the next station. The platform - appears, is visible for just long enough to see the astonished faces of + sounds as the train barrels through the next station. The platform + appears, is visible just long enough to see the astonished faces of the onlookers, and disappears again.

@@ -71,16 +71,20 @@ blueprints, manuals, everything we could find.
Sounds good. Just put them in there for now.
- He gestures towards a small cabinet in the back of the driver's - cabin. Annie places the pile on top of a few books and binders that are - already in there. The train barrels through another station. Jack slowly - decelerates the train.
+ He gestures towards a small cabinet on the wall behind them. + Annie places the pile on top of a few books and binders already + inside. +

+

+ The train barrels through another station. Jack decelerates slowly, + saying:
We're almost at your drop-off point, next station is Crystal Park ... uhhh ... and we might have a problem.
- The train is going around a long curve overseeing the park and square in - front of the station. <Grandpa's friend>'s car is there, - surrounded by police cruisers with flashing lights and open doors.
+ The train is going around a long curve overseeing the park and the + square in front of the station. <Grandpa's friend>'s car + is there, surrounded by police cruisers with flashing lights and open + doors.
What do we do now?
Well I'm sure as fuck not staying around to see what they're up to down there. Jack says while @@ -89,15 +93,15 @@

They pass a couple more stations before the train runs over a switch and - gets suddenly jolted to the side. The train rocks side to side for a - moment. They are now heading straight for the outer wall of the dome. + gets suddenly jolted to the left. It rocks side to side for a moment. + They are now heading straight for the outer wall of the dome. The airlock, now in view, is rapidly coming closer. The inner - ‘B33FY-AF' door is wide open. Technicians and police are - standing around it in small groups, trying to figure out why and how - it had opened. The ramps connecting the street below to the airlock are - full of parked transporters and police cars. Some are even on the tracks - but the one Annie and Jack are approaching on is mostly clear. - He sounds the horn. + B33FY-AF door is wide open. + Technicians and police are standing around it in small groups, trying + to figure out how and why it had opened. The ramps connecting the streets + below to the airlock are full of parked transporters and police cars. + Some are even on the tracks but the one Annie and Jack are approaching + on is mostly clear. He sounds the horn.

Hold on to something! Jack slams on the @@ -112,11 +116,12 @@ of pressurized air and the ka-chonk of large machinery. Access authorized, cycling airlock, please stand by, announces an automated voice. The bunker door behind - them starts to move with a squeaking noise. The ‘keepers of - order' that had started to run after the train into the airlock - stop and look around in confusion. Everything around them turns to black. - The only thing Annie sees are the illuminated gauges on the control - panel. More hissing of pressurized air. + them starts to move with a creaking noise. The + keepers of order that had started + to run into the airlock after the train stop and look around in + confusion. Everything around them turns to black. The only thing Annie + sees are the illuminated gauges on the control panel. More hissing of + pressurized air.

The train shakes slightly as it makes a noise that sounds like a @@ -130,8 +135,8 @@ Everything okay? You look puzzled. Jack looks at her.
What's this weird noise?
- The generator. There's no power out here - so the train itself has to generate it to drive. + The generator. The electrified tracks end + at the air lock so the train has to generate its own power.

The police start banging on the outside of the train and yell something. @@ -142,15 +147,16 @@ joins in with the noise of the generator.

- In a couple minutes, it's gonna get very - bright. Jack says while driving the train into the tunnel. + Jack sets the train in motion again.
+ In a few minutes, it's gonna get very + bright. he says while driving into the tunnel. Close your eyes if it's too bright. It - might take a while to get used to the sun.
+ might take a while to get used to the sunlight.
The train begins to move up a slight incline. An automated announcement comes on:
Dear passengers, welcome to the combined Sentinel Shores and Ivydale local transit zone! Please keep in mind - that the last train returning to <underground city> for today + that the last train returning to Sunside Cove for today departs from Ivydale South at 10:15PM. Enjoy your travel!

@@ -176,7 +182,7 @@ out any details, they roll into another tunnel. The automated voice comes on again:
We are now approaching Ivydale South. Your - next connections are line 7 to Ivydale Distillery from platform 5, + next connections are Metro line 7 to Ivydale Distillery from platform 5, HST1511 to Siren's Edge from platform 14, HST815 to Nova Metropolis from platform 11. This train will continue on line 5 to Sentinel Shores Sea Market via Ivydale West, @@ -184,8 +190,8 @@ After a moment, Jack says quietly:
I wonder how much of these places is left... Raising his voice back to a normal level, he adds: - But for now, we'll head back to - base.
+ But for now, we'll leave the train here + and head back to base.
Base?
The bunker, we refer to it as our base of operations.
diff --git a/mb-First_Steps_Outside.html b/mb-First_Steps_Outside.html index e220a86..40ec5f1 100644 --- a/mb-First_Steps_Outside.html +++ b/mb-First_Steps_Outside.html @@ -5,20 +5,20 @@ The station is is much larger than any of the metro stations inside the dome. It has many platforms. Portions of the tall roof, supported by large stone pillars and rusty steel beams, have caved in and what's - still standing has holes. Rays of light poke through holes in the walls - and the roof. All of that is visually stunning but what really catches + still standing has holes. Rays of light poke through the roof and holes + in the walls. All of that is visually stunning but what really catches Annie's eyes are the plants everywhere. Parts of the platforms are densely covered in the thin, green blades of some plant giving them a fuzzy look. Vines cling to the walls and pillars, crawl along gaps and - edges, and hang from the rusty beams and the fringes of the caved in roof - sections. Moss grows on the rusted benches and trash cans. + edges, and hang from the fringes of the caved in roof sections and rusty + beams. Moss grows on the rusted benches and trash cans.

Jack turns off the generator and decelerates the train. Clanging from under the floor followed by the squeaking of the brakes. The train runs over a bunch of bushes and tall flowers that have taken root on the tracks before coming to a halt next to a staircase in the center of the - platform.
+ platform. Exit to the right, Jack says in unison with the automated voice while turning the switch for the doors. He gestures towards the passenger area.
@@ -26,31 +26,33 @@

Annie walks over to the closest door and pushes the button. Pressurized - air hisses and one half of it opens very slowly.
+ air hisses and one half of it opens very slowly. She says: +
This door has probably seen better days.
Everything out here has seen better days - – except for the plants. They're thriving.
+ – except for the plants...
There are so many of them.
- They step out onto the platform. Annie breathes the warm air. It smells + They step out onto the platform. Annie breathes the warm air. It smells of the run-over plants. Insects are buzzing around, and the wind rustles through the leaves. She crouches down and touches the carpet of green fuzziness.
Grass. It grows pretty much everywhere – usually much taller than this though.
She looks up at him.
- fix this - I'm surprised that anything grows in + I'm surprised the plants grow in here.
- Pretty much every building out here is - overgrown. By the way: Welcome to the outside world. Wanna take a quick - look around?
- She gets up.
+ Pretty much every building in the area is + overgrown. That's what happens when you don't maintain them: + Nature takes over. By the way...
+ He helps her up.
+ Welcome to the outside world. Wanna take a + quick look around?
Sure.
Jack uses a key to close the door and they get going.

- The two walk down the flight of stairs in the center of the platform + The two walk down the flight of stairs in the center of the platform, taking them to an underpass. The floor is covered in water so they follow a ledge on the side. Jack leads Annie up the stairs to the last platform. From there, they step outside through a side entrance. @@ -63,13 +65,13 @@
Jack chuckles. Well... No. Only during the day.
- Annie looks around. They are standing on a balcony-like platform + She looks around. They are standing on a balcony-like platform overlooking a city in a valley.
Wooow, she utters in astonishment.
- Ivydale - or at least what remains of + Ivydale – or at least what remains of it.
- She walks over to the rusted railing and goes to lean against it.
+ Annie walks over to the rusted railing and goes to lean against it.
Don't lean on that.
Why not?
She steps back.
@@ -88,7 +90,7 @@

Cautiously stepping back to the edge, Annie looks down. Bushes overgrow everything, covering the hillside below the tall sandstone wall of - the embankment with the station. The walls of small ruins and half + the embankment the station is built on. The walls of small ruins and half fallen-in fences stick out here and there, and the bushes are interrupted by what remains of roads, paths, and staircases. Small rivers cut through the landscape. Annie looks up, into the distance: The ruins @@ -108,9 +110,9 @@

After pointing out some other notable landmarks, Jack decides it is time - to get going. He starts to lead the way, walking towards the side of the - station that they arrived from. The balcony-like walkway connects to - a wide staircase down from the end of the embankment where the rear part + to go. He leads the way, walking towards the end of the station that + they arrived from. The balcony-like walkway connects to + a wide staircase down from the end of the embankment, where the rear part of the station extends into the mountain. It leads to a collapsed bridge next to a large waterfall. Annie marvels at the sheer amount of water flowing by, something that she had never before seen. @@ -124,6 +126,6 @@ Something interesting needs to happen here.
They make their way across the fast-flowing river by stepping on large - stones in the water, and continue through the bushes towards Facility 53. + stones in the water, and continue through the bushes towards the bunker.

Copyright © 2023 Jan Danielzick (aka. BodgeMaster) – All rights reserved.

diff --git a/mc-welcome_home.html b/mc-welcome_home.html index 040bb8a..2f32744 100644 --- a/mc-welcome_home.html +++ b/mc-welcome_home.html @@ -1,23 +1,17 @@ - Welcom Home + Welcome Home

Welcome Home

-

- Annie and Jack arrive at the bunker. - Annie smells fire and is worried by that -> fire in dome city is always - a bad sign. - Michelle and Annie get introduced. - James shows up? -

I smell fire.
Yes, we're almost there.
Annie is slightly confused by his answer and how seemingly unfazed he is.
- Don't you want to do anything about + Don't you want to do something about it?
- Fires out here aren't generally bad news. - Sometimes, they are, but this one is our campfire. + Fires out here aren't all bad news. + Sometimes, they are, but I'm gonna guess this one's our + campfire.

They walk over a ridge, revealing a view of the small valley beyond. @@ -30,11 +24,9 @@ They make their way across and Jack introduces Michelle and Annie to each other.
So you join us out here after all?
- Well, I'd rather be here unprepared than - in prison? jail?. Things kinda went south - quickly.
- They all sit down around the fire. Annie recounts the events of the recent - past and things going wrong. Idk, something needs + Things kinda went south quickly.
+ They all sit down around the fire and Annie recounts the events of the + recent past. Idk, something needs to happen here. They start making food or whatever.