Library At Night: Language improvements, minor logic fixes

I think this chapter is finished now - apart from the revisions that are no doubt coming in the future

06 Library At Night.md

@@ -13,61 +13,58 @@ If you are here just for reading, skip past the outline.
 
 11:30 PM - Isabelle and Annie find themselves at the side entrance to the library. They try a couple keys before finding the right one. The door swings open with a quiet squeaking noise. The air inside is warm and dry. The door closes and latches behind them. They turn on their flashlights.
 
-Following the description Lucas had given, they find their way into a small room in the basement. They close the door behind themselves and look around. To the left is a desk with a terminal and a bunch of small devices that are connected together using many cables. The wall in front of them is lined with racks that are almost as tall as the room itself and filled with computer equipment. To the right is a shelf with boxes.
+Following the description Lucas had given, they find their way into a small room in the basement. They close the door behind themselves and look around. To the left is a desk with a terminal and a bunch of small devices connected together using many cables. The wall in front of them is lined with racks that are almost as tall as the room itself and filled with computer equipment. To the right is a shelf with boxes.
 
 "I guess this is it. Let’s take a look at the instructions Karl gave you." Isabelle says in a hushed voice.  
 Annie pulls the note out of her bag.  
 "First step is turning on the terminal... Hey, Lucas said something about using a new floppy disk, can you search for that?"  
-Annie walks over to the terminal; Isabelle looks at the boxes on the shelf.  
-Annie inspects it for a power switch.  
+Annie walks over to the terminal; Isabelle turns to the boxes on the shelf.  
+Annie puts the keys on the desk and inspects the terminal for a power switch.  
 "There’s a box with cookies back here."  
 She pulls it out from behind the terminal. They giggle.  
-"I want one." says Isabelle.  
+"I want one", says Isabelle.  
 Both end up taking a cookie before stashing the box behind the terminal again.
 
-Annie flips the power switch. The terminal makes a bonk sound and a crackling noise. She feels the hairs on her hand stand up as she inadvertently moves it in front of the screen.  
+Annie flips the power switch. The terminal makes a bonk sound and a crackling noise. She feels the hairs on her arm stand up as she inadvertently moves it in front of the screen.  
 "Whoa..."  
 The screen begins to light up.  
-"I guess this is supposed to happen."  
-Annie looks at the note again.  
+"... I guess this is supposed to happen."  
+Annie looks back at the note.  
 "‘Turn on main power switch on computer’...", she mumbles to herself.  
 She looks at the racks. They are mostly filled with what looks like large drawers with buttons on them. The one in the center is different. It has a bunch of empty panels, some panels with buttons and lights on them, and some other devices.
 
 "I found you a new floppy disk." Isabelle interrupts her.  
-She pulls a large, square, floppy thing in a paper sleeve out of one of the boxes. She pulls it out of the paper sleeve. Turns out, it’s another sleeve made out of thin plastic with some openings and a black, glossy circle inside.  
-"Lucas said to put it in the computer and push a lever down."
-They look back and forth between it and the computer for a moment until Isabelle says: "This could fit in here."  
-She walks up to the center rack and inserts it into one of the devices that have a large, flat slot and a mechanism in the center. She pushes on the mechanism and it latches.  
+She pulls a large, square, floppy thing, half-wrapped in a paper sleeve, out of one of the boxes. She pulls the paper sleeve off. Turns out, it’s another sleeve made out of thin plastic with some openings that were previously covered by the paper containing a black, glossy circle.  
+"Lucas said to put it in the computer and push a lever down."  
+They look back and forth between the floppy disk and the computer until Isabelle points to a device in the center rack with a large, flat slot and says: "It could fit in there."  
+She walks up to it and inserts the disk. Then, she pushes on the mechanism in the center of the slot. It latches in place.  
 "What’s next?"  
-"The note says to turn on the 'main power switch'", Annie repeats while inspecting one of the panels with buttons.  
-"Maybe this one?" Isabelle points to a key switch.  
-"Let’s try." Annie grabs the keys. One of them fits and turns.
+"The note says to turn on the 'main power switch'", Annie repeats while inspecting one of the panels with buttons. "Maybe this one?" She points at a key switch.  
+"Let’s try." Isabelle hands her the keys. One of them fits and turns.
 
 Fans come on; they hear the loud noise of air rushing through the computer. Some of the lights and buttons light up. Annie looks at the note again:  
-"‘Spin up boot hard drive’... Lucas has also written here: 'Drive number 2'"  
+"‘Spin up boot hard drive’... Lucas has also written here: 'Number 2'"  
 The two look back at the racks.  
 "These drawer thingies here have numbers on them, maybe that’s what they mean?"  
-Isabelle walks up to number two and presses the power button. It starts blinking. The device makes a loud clicking noise followed by a motor accelerating inside. More clicking and mechanical noises. The power switch lights up.
-
+Isabelle presses the power button on number two. It starts blinking. The device makes a loud clonk noise followed by a motor accelerating inside. Clicking and more mechanical noises. The power switch stops blinking and stays lit up.  
 "The last step on the note is to press ‘reset’ and ‘load’ and to enter something into the terminal. They also wrote down a list of commands that might help us to find and copy the manual, and ‘Good luck!’..."  
 Isabelle pushes the buttons and they walk over to the terminal.
 
-*Note: I originally planned to have a section about figuring out the terminal here, assuming I could make it somehow interesting. That said, at this point I’m not sure of the benefit to the story.  
-I tried to do an experiment to see how people who aren’t familiar with the CLI would go about it, but I don’t have any results. I’ll decide if I still want to include something like that when I actually have results.*
-
-After a lot of typing into the terminal and figuring things out the hard way - and maybe a couple more cookies disappearing - they find the manual on one of the hard drives and manage to get it onto the floppy disk. They follow the instructions to turn the computer off and Annie puts the floppy disk into her bag.
+After a lot of typing into the terminal and figuring things out the hard way - and maybe a couple more cookies disappearing - they find the manual on one of the hard drives and manage to get it onto the floppy disk. They follow the instructions to turn the computer off and Annie puts the floppy disk back into its sleeve.
 
 "Shhh." Isabelle gestures for Annie to be quiet. She whispers: "Do you hear that?"  
-Footsteps. Annie nods. Someone is in the building with them. Opening and closing the door as quietly as possible, they sneak out of the room and back towards the stairs. The footsteps are coming closer.  
+Footsteps. Annie nods. Someone is in the building - and probably heard them. Quickly, she puts the disk into her bag.
+
+Opening and closing the door as quietly as possible, they sneak out of the room and back towards the stairs. The footsteps are coming closer.  
 "Shit", Isabelle whispers.  
-They turn around and sneak to the other end of the hallway. It opens up into a room filled with crates that has small windows near the ceiling. The footsteps are starting to make their way down the stairs. Annie reaches for one of the windows and opens it as quietly as possible while Isabelle moves one of the crates under it - not quite as quietly. The person on the stairs starts running. Isabelle jumps onto the crate and quickly climbs through the wondow. Annie, trying to follow her example, struggles to get onto the crate. Isabelle helps her out of the window - not a moment too soon.  
-"Hey, stop!", the man yells at them from inside, "Stay where you are!"  
+They turn around and sneak to the other end of the hallway. It opens up into a room filled with crates that has small windows near the ceiling. The footsteps are making their way down the stairs. Annie reaches for one of the windows and opens it as quietly as possible while Isabelle moves one of the crates under it - not quite as quietly. The person on the stairs starts running. Isabelle jumps onto the crate and quickly climbs through the window. Annie, trying to follow her example, struggles for a moment to get onto the crate. After she finally manages to get up, Isabelle pulls her through the window - not a moment too soon.  
+"You, stop!", a man yells at them from inside, "Stay where you are!"  
 They start running.  
 "I’m gonna catch you."
 
-Isabelle runs ahead, leading Annie into a dark alley. There, she climbs onto a ledge on the side of a building, pulling Annie up after herself. They continue running on the ledge until reaching a wall at the end of the alley. Isabelle jumps, grabs hold of the railing at the top, pulls herself up, and climbs over it.
+Isabelle runs ahead, leading Annie into a dark alley. She climbs onto a ledge on the side of a building, pulling Annie up after herself. They continue running on the ledge until reaching a wall at the end of the alley. Isabelle jumps, grabs hold of the railing at the top, pulls herself up, and climbs over it.  
 "Wait here."  
 She disappears.  
-*missing: Annie thoughts*  
-A moment later, she returns holding a ladder. Annie climbs up and pulls the ladder up after her. Isabelle takes it and stashes it on the other side of the embankment. Annie finds herself between the tracks of the metro. The Central Square station is close by, they run towards it along the tracks. The rails start ringing just as they make their way onto the platform.  
-Isabelle says with a smirk on her face: "I don’t think he expects us to have a yellow and red getaway vehicle waiting..."
+Annie looks around nervously. What if she was caught now?  
+A moment later, Isabelle returns holding a ladder. Annie climbs up and pulls the ladder up after herself. Isabelle takes it and stashes it on the other side of the embankment. Annie finds herself between the tracks of the metro. The Central Square station is close by, they run towards it along the tracks. Just as they make their way onto the platform, the rails start ringing.  
+Isabelle says with a smirk on her face: "I don’t think he expects our getaway vehicle to be yellow and red..."