From bea947d6ffdf63f97c0c71fedba08490009a08e4 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: BodgeMaster <> Date: Sun, 1 Oct 2023 23:16:49 +0200 Subject: [PATCH] 'ma' Escape From Dome City, 'mb' Firs Steps Outside: revision MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=UTF-8 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit Partially following comments I left while converting the whole thing to HTML, partially I just saw something that I wanted to change. I found somelogic issues that I’m gonna have to fix another time. --- ma-Escape_From_Dome_City.html | 86 +++++++++++++++++------------------ mb-First_Steps_Outside.html | 62 ++++++++++++++----------- 2 files changed, 78 insertions(+), 70 deletions(-) diff --git a/ma-Escape_From_Dome_City.html b/ma-Escape_From_Dome_City.html index 70bd61f..05cb7a6 100644 --- a/ma-Escape_From_Dome_City.html +++ b/ma-Escape_From_Dome_City.html @@ -9,18 +9,16 @@

Annie! Someone shouts her name. - Annie, get in here, run! -

-

- Annie breaks out of her freeze. The train had turned out to be a single - car. A single rusty railcar painted in different shades of blue. - note: make it a theme that the metro is always - yellow and red The only person inside is the driver, turning away - from the door he just opened - that has to be Jack. His Neotek jacket - flaps in the air as he runs to the other end of the train. While Annie is - still running towards the open door, the motors start humming. She jumps - inside as the train starts to move back in the direction it came from. - The door closes just after leaving the platform. + Annie, get in here, run!
+ She breaks out of her freeze. The train had turned out to be a single + car. A single, slightly rusty railcar painted in different shades of + blue. note: make it a theme that the metro is + always yellow and red The only person inside is the driver, + turning away from the door he just opened - that has to be Jack. His + Neotek jacket flaps in the air as he runs to the other end of the train. + While Annie is still running towards the open door, the motors start + humming. She jumps inside as the train starts to move back in the + direction it came from. The door closes just after leaving the platform.

The train accelerates with a force stronger than anything she has ever @@ -37,11 +35,9 @@ Yes, she breathes heavily, but that was close.
After catching her breath for a moment, she says:
- You arrived just in time. They were close on my - heels, but we got away. change this to say - something like "they were following me for/since/all the way" -
- Jack seems to think for a short moment while his eyes stay fixed on the + You arrived just in time. They've been + following me around for a while but we got away.
+ Jack seems to think for a short moment while his eyes stay fixated on the track ahead.
That remains to be seen. Coming through that airlock seems to have set off some sort of alarm. Like poking a stick @@ -55,14 +51,16 @@ Anyway, Jack continues, this little expedition hasn't gone unnoticed.
- Short pause.
+ Short pause. +

+

Looking outside again, Annie realizes:
I have never seen one of these – she knocks on the control panel – go this fast.
Me neither, says Jack. He adds: - There used to be trains that could go faster - a - lot faster - but not the metro. + There used to be trains that could go faster – + a lot faster – but not the metro.

After watching the tracks, stations, and buildings fly by for a couple @@ -71,18 +69,19 @@ manuals, everything we could find.
Sounds good. Just put them in there for now.
- He gestures towards a small cabinet next to the right side window. - Annie places the pile on top of a few books binders - that are already in there. The train barrels through another - station. Jack slowly decelerates the train.
+ He gestures towards a small cabinet in the back of the driver's + cabin. Annie places the pile on top of a few folders and binders that are + already in there. The train barrels through another station. Jack slowly + decelerates the train.
We're almost at your drop-off point, next - station is Crystal Park... uhhh and we might have a problem.
+ station is Crystal Park ... uhhh ... and we might have a problem. +
The train is going around a long curve overseeing the park and square in front of the station. <Grandpa's friend>'s car is there, surrounded by police cruisers with flashing lights and open doors.
What do we do now?
Well I'm sure as fuck not staying around to - see what they're doing down there. Jack says while + see what they're up to down there. Jack says while accelerating again. I hope you're okay with coming with me.

@@ -92,17 +91,16 @@ moment. They are now heading straight for the outer wall of the dome. The airlock, now in view, is rapidly coming closer. The inner ‘B33FY-AF' door is wide open. Technicians and police are - standing around it in small groups, trying to figure out why - and how it had opened. The ramps connecting - the street below to the airlock are full of parked transporters and - police cars. Some are even on the tracks but the one Annie and Jack are - approaching on is mostly clear. + standing around it in small groups, trying to figure out why and how + it had opened. The ramps connecting the street below to the airlock are + full of parked transporters and police cars. Some are even on the tracks + but the one Annie and Jack are approaching on is mostly clear.

Hold onto something! Jack slams on the brakes. The train loses power and rumbles over a bunch of switches. The headlights flicker and turn off. A police car that was parked too - close to the track gets flung aside. A bunch of technicians jump out of + close to their track gets flung aside. A bunch of technicians jump out of the way as the train passes them and rolls into the airlock where it comes to a screeching halt. Jack presses some buttons on the control panel. @@ -131,7 +129,7 @@ at her.
What's this weird noise?
The generator. There's no power out here so - the train has to generate its own power to drive. + the train itself has to generate it to drive.

The police start banging on the outside of the train and yell something. @@ -143,11 +141,11 @@

In a couple minutes, it's gonna get very - bright. Jack says while accelerating the train again. + bright. Jack says while driving the train into the tunnel. Close your eyes if it's too bright. It might - take a while to get used to daylight. - to the sun
- As the train moves through the tunnel, an automated voice comes on:
+ take a while to get used to the sun.
+ The train begins to move up a slight incline. An automated announcement + comes on:
Dear passengers, welcome to the combined Sentinel Shores and Ivydale local transit zone! Please keep in mind that the last train returning to <underground city> for today @@ -157,15 +155,15 @@ The train leans into a curve; Annie hears the screeching of the wheels grinding on the rails. After a moment, a blue-ish white shimmer appears on the walls of the tunnel. It gets brighter and brighter. The tunnel - straightens out again and the other end comes into sight. It's + straightens out again and the other end comes into view. It's much brighter than the light over Central Square. Annie closes her eyes but the light continues to get brighter. For a moment, she covers them with her hands as the train leaves the tunnel.

- Annie hears Jack press some buttons and clicking relays. The motors go - quiet, the generator turns off, and the train starts to slow down. She - tries to open her eyes but it's still too bright.
+ Annie hears Jack press some buttons and the clicking of relays. The + motors go quiet and the train starts to slow down. She tries to open her + eyes but it's still too bright.
I think you could use a pair of sunglasses.
Sunglasses?
@@ -178,9 +176,9 @@ We are now approaching Ivydale South. Your next connections are line 7 to Ivydale Distillery from platform 5, HST1511 to Siren's Edge from platform 14, HST815 to Nova Metropolis from - platform 11. This train will continue on line 5 to Sentinel Shores Fish - Market via Ivydale West, Sentinel Shores Observatory, Sentinel Shores - Central Station.
+ platform 11. This train will continue on line 5 to Sentinel Shores + Sea Market via Ivydale West, Sentinel Shores Observatory, + Sentinel Shores Central Station.
After a moment, Jack says quietly:
I wonder how much of these places is left... Raising his voice back to a normal level, he adds: diff --git a/mb-First_Steps_Outside.html b/mb-First_Steps_Outside.html index e0b7468..8901dda 100644 --- a/mb-First_Steps_Outside.html +++ b/mb-First_Steps_Outside.html @@ -4,30 +4,32 @@

The station is is much larger than any of the metro stations inside the dome. It has many platforms. Portions of the tall roof that is supported - by long pillars have caved in and what's still standing has holes. - Rays of light poke through holes in the walls and the roof. All of that - is visually stunning but what really catches Annie's eyes are the - plants everywhere. Parts of the platforms are densely covered in the - thin, green blades of some plant giving them a fuzzy look. Vines cling to - the walls and pillars, crawl along gaps and edges, and hang from rusty - beams and the fringes of the caved in roof sections. Moss grows on the - rusted benches and trash cans. + by large stone pillars and rusty steel beams have caved in and what's + still standing has holes. Rays of light poke through holes in the walls + and the roof. All of that is visually stunning but what really catches + Annie's eyes are the plants everywhere. Parts of the platforms are + densely covered in the thin, green blades of some plant giving them a + fuzzy look. Vines cling to the walls and pillars, crawl along gaps and + edges, and hang from the rusty beams and the fringes of the caved in roof + sections. Moss grows on the rusted benches and trash cans.

- After running over a bunch of bushes and tall flowers that have taken - root on the tracks, Jack brings the train to a stop next to a staircase - in the center of the platform.
+ Jack turns off the generator and applies the brakes. Clanging from under + the floor followed by the squeaking of the brakes. The train runs over a + bunch of bushes and tall flowers that have taken root on the tracks + before coming to a halt next to a staircase in the center of the + platform.
Exit to the right, he says in unison with the - automated voice before turning the switch for the doors and gesturing - towards the passenger area.
br here? + automated voice while turning the switch for the doors and gesturing + towards the passenger area.
After you.

Annie walks over to the closest door and pushes the button. Pressurized - air hisses and the left half opens with a squeeking noise. They step out - onto the platform. Annie breathes the warm air. It smells of the run-over - plants. Insects are buzzing about, and the wind rustles through the - leaves. She crouches down and touches the carpet of green fuzziness.
+ air hisses and the right half opens very slowly. They step out onto the + platform. Annie breathes the warm air. It smells of the run-over plants. + Insects are buzzing about, and the wind rustles through the leaves. She + crouches down and touches the carpet of green fuzziness.
Grass. It grows pretty much everywhere, usually much taller than this though.
She looks up at him.
@@ -47,13 +49,13 @@

Annie is hit by the light and warmth of the setting sun. She closes her eyes and faces it for a moment.
- This is nice. Then, she turns to Jack. + This is nice. She turns to Jack. And this light is just always up there?
- Jack chuckles - Well... No. Only during the day.
- She looks around. They are standing on a balcony-like platform overlooking - a city in a valley. She walks over to the rusted railing and goes to lean - against it.
+ Jack chuckles. Well... No. Only during the + day.
+ Annie looks around. They are standing on a balcony-like platform + overlooking a city in a valley. She walks over to the rusted railing and + goes to lean against it.
Don't lean on that.
Why not? She steps back.
Watch.
@@ -64,7 +66,8 @@ How did you know?
Be careful around old buildings. I made the same mistake over there.
- He points to another missing section in the railing. + He points to another missing section in the railing that Annie + hadn't noticed before.

Cautiously stepping back to the edge, Annie looks down. Bushes cover the @@ -75,13 +78,15 @@ Annie looks up. The ruins further down the valley are larger the closer they are to the center of the urban area below.
Wooow, she utters in astonishment.
+ Would make sense for her to do that before the + whole "don't lean on that" thing...
Ivydale - or at least what remains of it.
It's much bigger than <dome city>.
Many things are bigger than <dome city>. - It's This is the smaller of two sister - cities. He points towards another urban center in the distance. + This is the smaller of two sister cities.
+ He points towards another urban center in the distance.
That over there is Sentinel Shores, the place I used to call home.

@@ -93,6 +98,11 @@ large waterfall. Annie marvels at the sheer amount of water flowing by, something that she's never seen before.

+

+ At this point, the documents are still in the driver's cabin and the + keys are still in the train. They need to come back for them before + leaving for the bunker. +

Jack goes ahead, climbing down the wall where the bridge used to begin by grabbing onto the edges of the large sandstone blocks. Annie struggles