'zz' (End): revision

This commit includes HTML comments with feedback I got.

zz--end.html

@@ -4,15 +4,20 @@
 
 <p>
   The group sits around the pot with leftovers on the gas stove, enjoying
-  the view of the skyline from above. They had decided to wait on top of
+  the view of the skyline from above. To increase their odds of seeing
-  one of the tallest sky scrapers the city had to offer to increase their
+  where Emily would land, they had decided to wait on top of one of the
-  odds of seeing where Emily would land. The intense light of the setting
+  tallest sky scrapers the city had to offer.
-  sun paints Nova Metropolis in vibrant hues of yellow and orange and the
+  <!-- Owl feedback: change this to be two sentences -->
-  moon is already visible in the sky. They are engaged in a conversation
+  <!-- Owl feedback #2: just turn it around -->
-  about the mind-boggling vastness of space and all it contains.
+  The intense light of the
+  setting sun paints Nova Metropolis in vibrant hues of yellow and orange
+  while the moon is already coming over the horizon.
+  <!-- Owl feedback: mention the moon in its own sentence -->
+  They are engaged in a conversation about the
+  mind-boggling vastness of space and all it contains.
 </p>
 <p class="strong">
-  bebebebeep bebebebeep bebebebeep bebebebeep
+  bebebebeep bebebebeep bebebebeep
 </p>
 <p>
   The alarm on Jack&apos;s watch interrupts them. He presses one of the
@@ -22,13 +27,16 @@
   They get up. James pulls a pair of binoculars out of his bag. Jack does
   the same. Annie looks at both of them - her face clearly showing her
   disappointment.<br />
-  <span class="quote speech">Don&apos;t worry, I gotchu.</span> says Jack
+  <span class="quote speech">Don&apos;t worry, I got ya.</span> says Jack
-  as he pulls a second pair out of his bag before they start walking
+  as he pulls a second pair out of his bag and hands it to her with a grin.
-  towards the edge.
+  <br />
+  <!-- Owl feedback: describe his face -->
+  <span class="quote speech">Oh, thank you!</span> She takes it and they
+  start walking towards the edge.
 </p>
 <p>
   Michelle and James are already leaning against the railing and looking
-  towards the sky. Jack and Annie join them. Jack takes a compass out of
+  towards the sky. Annie and Jack join them. Jack takes a compass out of
   his pocket and briefly looks at it. Then, he points in a direction in the
   sky and says:<br />
   <span class="quote speech">The shuttle should appear somewhere around
@@ -37,33 +45,39 @@
   <span class="quote speech">I see it! There!</span> she exclaims before
   handing them back to him.<br />
   It looks like a tiny, red glowing dot in the sky, slowly growing in size.
-  For a few minutes, nothing seems to happen. The dot gets bigger and
+  For a few minutes, not much seems to happen. The dot gets bigger and
-  bigger, turning into a black triangle as the glow dims and finally
+  bigger, turning into a black triangle as the glow fades and finally
   disappears. The shuttle sheds its heat shield as it slowly comes closer.
 </p>
 <p>
   Around the 15 minute mark, Jack notices that it has moved almost above
   them.<br />
-  <span class="quote speech">That&apos;s a bit too close for comfort &ndash;
+  <span class="quote speech">That&apos;s a bit too close for comfort
-  and way too fast.</span> he says.<br />
+  &ndash; and way too fast.</span><br />
-  Parts appear to be breaking off from it. They watch the last couple
+  Looking at Annie, who seems visibly scared, he adds:<br />
-  minutes of the fall realizing that something has gone seriously wrong.
+  <span class="quote speech">It&apos;s not gonna hit us, the odds of that
-  It plummets into the city, taking multiple buildings down with it.
+  are pretty slim, but something&apos;s not right.</span><br />
-  The ground shakes slightly. Nobody says anything for a while as they
+  <!--Owl feedback: explain why they&apos;re just waiting for it anyway -->
-  watch the buildings around the impact crumble and the remaining parts
+  As if on cue, the back of the shuttle breaks apart, turning into a
-  rain out of the sky in a mix of awe and shock.
+  cloud of fragments. <span class="comment">need a better way to say the
+  very back</span> The rest plummets into the city moments later, taking
+  multiple buildings down with it. The ground shakes slightly. Nobody says
+  anything for a while as they watch the buildings around the impact
+  crumble and the remaining parts of the shuttle rain out of the sky in a
+  mix of shock and awe.
 </p>
 <p>
   Michelle interrupts the silence: <span class="quote speech">Guys, over
   there!</span> She points into the sky behind them.
   <span class="quote speech">A parachute...</span><br />
+  <span class="comment">Jack: She has more luck than sense.</span><br />
   <span class="comment">reaction needed &ndash; something along the lines
   of &quot;Sie hat mehr Gl&uuml;ck als Verstand&quot;</span><br />
   They watch as it disappears between the buildings.
 </p>
 <p>
-  Annie walks over to Jack&apos;s bag and, on a hunch, unpacks the radio
+  Annie walks over to their bags and, on a hunch, unpacks the radio
-  he had insisted on bringing.<br />
+  Jack had insisted on bringing.<br />
   <span class="quote speech">Maybe, she can hear us from here...</span>
   <br />
   She hooks up the battery, flips the power switch, and turns the frequency
@@ -72,7 +86,8 @@
   that clear at some point before this chapter. Maybe include the part where
   Jack insists on bringing it.</span><br />
   <span class="quote speech">Emily, can you hear us? Are you okay?</span>
-  <span class="comment">Might benefit from proper radio protocol</span>
+  <!-- Might benefit from proper radio protocol - Owl
+  says no -->
   <br />
   They hear a slightly distorted but clearly happy response through the
   noise:<br />