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Eventful Evening (secret organization): minor language improvement

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BodgeMaster 2023-08-30 09:01:32 +02:00
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05 Eventful Evening (secret organization pt1).md
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@ -25,14 +25,12 @@ If you’re just here to read, scroll down past the outline.
Annie looks through the window in the door as the train enters the station. The platform is empty except for a shady figure in a hoodie leaning against the wall, observing the train from under his hood. She looks at the clock on the station: 10:34 PM - a bit late. As soon as he notices her, he steps away from the wall and walks up to the train. *Is there a more elegant way to say that he stops leaning on the wall?* The pressurized air for the doors hisses in the lines. Annie presses the button; the door opens. Annie looks through the window in the door as the train enters the station. The platform is empty except for a shady figure in a hoodie leaning against the wall, observing the train from under his hood. She looks at the clock on the station: 10:34 PM - a bit late. As soon as he notices her, he steps away from the wall and walks up to the train. *Is there a more elegant way to say that he stops leaning on the wall?* The pressurized air for the doors hisses in the lines. Annie presses the button; the door opens.
"Hey, wait..." "Hey, wait..."
The guy had made his way to the door and looks directly at her. It’s the dude from behind the library counter. The guy had made his way to the door and looks directly at her. It’s him from behind the library counter.
"We’re gonna take this one for a couple stations." "We’re gonna take this one for a couple stations."
Annie steps aside and he gets on the train as well. Annie steps aside and he gets on the train as well.
"My name is Lucas, nice to meet you." "My name is Lucas, nice to meet you."
He extends his hand as the doors close. He extends his hand as the doors close.
"Annie." "Annie." He probably knew that already, right? "Sorry for being late."
He probably knew that already, right?
"Sorry for being late."
The hum of the motors sets in and the train begins to move. The hum of the motors sets in and the train begins to move.
"Perfect timing, I’d say." He makes a short pause before continuing quietly: "Perfect timing, I’d say." He makes a short pause before continuing quietly:
"So about that interaction we had earlier today - I assume you want to leave the dome?" "So about that interaction we had earlier today - I assume you want to leave the dome?"