'ja' Erosion: revise dialogs so Sunside Cove doesn't appear as an afterthought

ja-erosion-michelle_wakeup.html

@@ -26,13 +26,13 @@
   <span class="quote speech">You&apos;re kidding.</span><br />
   <span class="quote speech">Nope.</span><br />
   <span class="quote speech">How&apos;d you get woken up then?</span><br />
-  <span class="quote speech">Technical failure. The preservation chamber
-  died.</span><br />
+  <span class="quote speech">Technical failure in my preservation
+  chamber.</span><br />
   <span class="quote speech">You survived that?</span><br />
   He chuckles. <span class="quote speech">That was the least of my
-  challenges.</span>
-  He briefly tells her how he found himself trapped inside and that he
-  turned to the dome city for help.
+  challenges. The failsafe worked.</span><br />
+  He briefly tells her that he found himself trapped inside and turned
+  to the dome city for help.
 </p>
 <p>
   Michelle&apos;s dizziness starts to go away and the burning sensation
@@ -41,33 +41,33 @@
   <span class="quote speech">So? What now? Any plans?</span><br />
   Jack gets up as well and picks up the glass.<br />
   <span class="quote speech">I guess, for now, taking a look at the
-  uplink. I wanna see if we can get it going again.</span><br />
+  uplink. I wanna see if we can get it going again. After that, we need
+  to return a favor to the dome city people.</span><br />
   He sets the glass on the table.<br />
   <span class="quote speech">Thanks.</span><br />
   She thinks for a moment.<br />
   <span class="quote speech">Assuming we can fix it... Then what?</span>
   <br />
-  <span class="quote speech">Honestly, I don&apos;t know. Maybe they have
-  something to do for us, maybe they don&apos;t. I&apos;m&nbsp;just curious
-  about the state of things up there.</span><br />
-  <span class="quote speech">Sounds good &ndash; but I don&apos;t feel
-  quite ready for a hike like that.</span><br />
+  <span class="quote speech">Honestly, I don&apos;t know. Maybe the moon
+  base has something to do for us, maybe they don&apos;t.
+  I&apos;m&nbsp;just curious about the state of things up there.</span>
+  <br />
+  <span class="quote speech">Sounds good. Though give me a bit longer,
+  I don&apos;t feel quite ready for a hike like that.</span><br />
   <span class="quote speech">Take your time, you just woke up.</span><br />
   She pulls back one of the chairs, sits down, and takes another sip.<br />
-  <span class="quote speech">If we can&apos;t fix it... The people who
-  helped you, do you think they&apos;d help us with the uplink too?</span>
-  <br />
-  <span class="quote speech">Don&apos;t know if they would, but they
-  can&apos;t. They&apos;re stuck inside the dome city and want our
-  help.</span><br />
-  <span class="quote speech">How? Even if the tunnels have collapsed,
-  I can think of a few other ways to break&nbsp;out.</span><br />
+  <span class="quote speech">So what&apos;s that favor for the dome
+  city?</span><br />
+  <span class="quote speech">They&apos;re stuck inside as well and want
+  our help.</span><br />
+  <span class="quote speech">How? Even if the tunnels are collapsed,
+  I can think of a few other ways to get out.</span><br />
   <span class="quote speech">From what I know, they aren&apos;t physically
   trapped inside, the people in charge just don&apos;t want anyone to
   leave.</span><br />
-  Jack sits down across from her and retells everything that had happened
-  in detail, starting with his preservaton chamber breaking down.
-  It takes him about half an hour, including answering Michelles questions.
+  Jack sits down across from her and retells everything that had happened,
+  starting with his preservaton chamber breaking down. It takes him about
+  half an hour, including answering Michelles questions.
 </p>
 <p>
   <span class="quote speech">How have you been dealing with food?
@@ -143,7 +143,7 @@
   the uplink is down &ndash; it literally ...<i>is&nbsp;down</i>...</span>
   <br />
   Michelle reaches the edge and and sees what Jack had stopped for:
-  A large <span class="comment">ravine? wash?</span> extends downwards
+  A large <span class="comment">wash?</span> extends downwards
   from the top of the mountain where a landslide had left nothing but
   a cliff and a huge pile of rubble. At the top of the mountain, teetering
   on the edge, are two buildings &ndash; all that&apos;s left of the ground

qb-Banished.html

@@ -21,25 +21,38 @@
   themselves and they all, including herself, sit down around a somewhat
   large table. One of the suits takes the word:<br />
   <span class="comment">Does that work in English?</span><br />
-  <span class="quote speech">Under normal circumstances, robbery,
-  compromising operationally critical systems, and conspiracy of terrorism
-  would land you in <span class="comment">jail? prison?</span> for a long
-  time. We&apos;re willing to make an exception here since you caused rather
-  little actual harm &ndash; if you are willing to accept this deal...</span>
-  <br />
+  <span class="quote speech">Before you go to trial, we have something
+  to discuss with you. You are being accused of breaking and entering,
+  robbery, interfering with law enforcement, compromising operationally
+  critical systems, and conspiracy of terrorism. Some of these charges
+  alone will land you in prison for a long time &ndash; unless you take
+  this deal...</span><br />
   He grabs few sheets of paper from his bag <span class="comment">
   Aktentasche?</span> and slides them over.<br />
   <span class="quote speech">Basically admit to everything you&apos;re
-  accused of and you will get to leave Sunside Cove. You&apos;ll be free
-  as long as you never come back.</span><br />
+  accused of and you will be banished instead of going to prison.</span>
+  <br />
   She absentmindedly acknowledges what he said as she is already reading
   the first page.<br />
-  <span class="comment">Isabelle questions the deal.<br />
-  What about bogus charge xyz? take it or leave it<br />
-  What are they trying to get out of this deal? avoiding controversy and
-  removing her from the city<br />
-  Are they going to honor it?
-  </span>
+  After reading it, she says: <span class="quote speech">There&apos;s
+  a bunch of things in here that aren&apos;t true.</span><br />
+  <span class="quote speech">Take it or leave it.</span><br />
+  <span class="quote speech">What are you getting out of this?</span><br />
+  <span class="quote speech">We don&apos;t want troublemakers like you
+  here &ndash; nor do we want controversy.</span><br />
+  <span class="quote speech">What will happen if I sign this?</span><br />
+  <span class="quote speech">You will be removed from Sunside Cove.</span>
+  <br />
+  <span class="quote speech">And in practical terms?</span><br />
+  Another one of the suits answers:
+  <span class="quote speech">There is an ongoing power outage to parts
+  of the city. We will have to send a group of people
+  <span class="comment">delegation?</span> outside to fix it.
+  You will join them and not return.</span><br />
+  She looks back at the pages.<br />
+  <span class="quote speech">Okaay.</span><br />
+  The other pages are some half filled-out forms. She is given a pen and
+  told to fill in the rest.
 </p>
 <p class="comment">
   Note: It was always intended that at least some of the rebels who got

zd--Nova_Metropolis.html

@@ -3,8 +3,8 @@
 <p>
   Michelle continues driving the bus for a couple hours without further
   incidents. They pass a bunch of smaller towns, some of them being
-  basically piles of wood and rubble while others have buildings that are
-  still standing. James had gone to sleep and Annie is enjoying the view,
+  basically piles of wood and rubble while others have buildings still
+  standing. James had gone to sleep and Annie is enjoying the view,
   making occasional conversation with Michelle about landmarks or anything
   remarkable.
 </p>
@@ -12,33 +12,35 @@
   Maybe add some comment about what Annie sees/perceives?
 </p>
 <p>
-  <span class="quote speech">Look, over there!</span><br />
-  Michelle points to the left. An undefined shape is visible in the far
-  distance. She takes an exit onto another highway in that direction. After
-  a short while, the undefined shape turns into the unmistakable skyline of
-  a large city.
+  Michelle gets her attention: <span class="quote speech">Look, over
+  there!</span><br />
+  She getures to the left. Annie leans out of her seat and back to see what
+  Michelle is pointing to. An undefined shape is visible in the far
+  distance. Michelle takes an exit onto another highway in that direction.
+  After not too long, the undefined shape turns into the unmistakable
+  skyline of a large city.
 </p>
 <p>
-  The bus passes a large sign &quot;Welcome to Nova Metropolis&quot; and
-  they reach the city outskirts. Many of the single family homes in the area
-  are still standing, some of them even in remarkably good condition. The
-  skyscrapers in the distance look like they&apos;re all intact.
-</p>
-<p class="comment">
-  some reaction to the fact that the city is basically intact
+  They pass a sign with completely washed-out colors off to the side
+  that still faintly reads <span class="quote non-speech">Welcome to
+  Nova&nbsp;Metropolis</span>. Quickly, they find themselves the city
+  outskirts. Many of the single family homes in the area are still
+  standing, some of them even in remarkably good condition. The city
+  center ahead of them is made up of skyscrapers that mostly look like
+  the day they were abandoned.
 </p>
 <p>
   The highway ends and transitions into a large road. Michelle decelerates
   the bus.<br />
   <span class="quote speech">Why are you going so slow?</span><br />
-  <span class="quote speech">Im going exactly 50 - perfectly normal city
-  speed.</span><br />
-  <span class="quote speech">50 km/h? That's faster than the speed limit in
-  &lt;dome city&gt;. This feels so slow...</span><br />
+  <span class="quote speech">Im going exactly speed limit - 50 km/h.</span>
+  <br />
+  <span class="quote speech">50? That's faster than the speed limit in
+  Sunside Cove yet this feels so slow...</span><br />
   Michelle chuckles.<br />
-  <span class="quote speech">Well Jack was right about the wind - I managed
-  to go 120 most of the time. Under normal circumstances, a bus like this
-  one would struggle with that.</span>
+  <span class="quote speech">This is what it feels like after doing 120
+  for a while. Jack was right about the wind. Under normal circumstances,
+  a bus like this one would struggle to reach 100.</span>
 </p>
 <p>
   The buildings around them get taller and taller. The mix of smaller and
@@ -46,13 +48,11 @@
   turn turn into blocks of even taller buildings until the sides are lined
   with sky scrapers with facades of glass, concrete, and steel towering
   over over the road. Annie points them out:<br />
-  <span class="comment">TODO: tie this in with the missing section
-  above.</span><br />
-  <span class="quote speech">They all look like they were just
-  abandoned.</span><br />
-  <span class="quote speech">You're right. Not even a smashed
-  window...</span><br />
-  <span class="quote speech">Over there?</span><br />
+  <span class="quote speech">Looks like this was all abandoned just
+  recently. Not even a smashed window.</span><br />
+  <span class="quote speech">Over there. But you&apos;re right. Barely any
+  damage &ndash; and surprisingly little sand, I thought we&apos;d find
+  a bunch of buried ruins.</span><br />
   <span class="quote speech">Okay, one smashed window.</span><br />
   Michelle pulls up at a bus stop and parks the bus.<br />
   <span class="quote speech">Time to wake up the guys.</span>