'ka' I Like Trains: Revision

ka-I_Like_Trains-finding_the_train.html

@@ -8,49 +8,47 @@
   <br />
   <span class="quote speech">No idea. Where are you?</span><br />
   <span class="quote speech">Up here.</span><br />
-  Jack is standing on top of <span class="comment">atop?</span> one of the
+  Jack is standing atop one of the metro trains. She climbs onto the link
-  metro trains. Michelle climbs onto the link between cars, from there
+  between cars, from there onto the the edge of the broken windshield,
-  onto the the edge of the broken windshield, and Jack helps her up to the
+  and he helps her up to the rather sketchy-looking roof.<br />
-  rather sketchy-looking roof.<br />
+  <span class="quote speech">Over there...</span><br />
-  <span class="quote speech">Look, over there...</span><br />
   He points across the deteriorating trains, towards the outermost track of
   the overgrown train yard. A small roof &ndash; or in places what remains
-  of it &ndash; extends over the track from the side of a large building.
+  of it &ndash; extends from the side of a large building over several
-  Several tank cars sit under it. Some are rusted through or missing
+  tank cars sitting there. Some are rusted through or missing parts, but
-  parts, but a few look like they might still hold liquids.<br />
+  a few look like they might still hold liquids.<br />
   <span class="quote speech">Oh, wow! Maybe there&apos;s some gas left in
   there or something...</span><br />
   <span class="quote speech">My thought. Let&apos;s check it out.</span>
 </p>
 <p>
-  They climb back down and make their way over to one of the tank cars.
+  They climb back down and make their way over. Jack clmbs onto the end
-  Jack clmbs onto the end of the car and attempts to use the ladder
+  of one of the more intact-looking cars and attempts to use the ladder
-  leading to the top. It crumbles under his feet.
+  to the top. It crumbles under his feet.<br />
-  <span class="quote speech">I guess I found the way down &ndash; hey, use
+  <span class="quote speech">Guess I found the way down.</span><br />
-  me as a ladder instead.</span> He leans against the tank and helps her
+  <span class="quote speech">I got this, help me up there.</span><br/>
-  on top of it.
+  He leans against the tank and helps her jump on top.
 </p>
 <p>
   Michelle inspects the lid. It&apos;s held on with large nuts.<br />
   <span class="quote speech">Do we have a wrench or something?</span><br />
   Jack looks around.<br />
-  <span class="quote speech">I don&apos;t know. Lemme take a look in
+  <span class="quote speech">Idunno. Lemme take a look in
   there...</span><br />
-  He disappears through an opening in the wall where used to be a door.
+  He disappears through an opening in the wall where a door used to be.
   After a moment, he reappears, triumphantly holding a huge adjustable
   wrench.<br />
-  <span class="quote speech">It&apos;s a bit rusty but should do the
+  <span class="quote speech">It&apos;s slightly rusty but should do the
   job.</span><br />
   <span class="quote speech">I&apos;m afraid to see what you call very
   rusty.</span><br />
   <span class="quote speech">This thing, for example.</span><br />
-  He hits the ladder with it, causing a large section to break off and
+  He hits it against the ladder, causing a large section to break off and
-  crumble. Then, he hands her the wrench. After a bit of fiddling, she
+  crumble. Then, he hands the wrench over. After a bit of fiddling, she
   manages to get a good grip on one of the nuts holding the lid in place
   &ndash; it doesn&apos;t budge.<br />
-  <span class="quote speech">Need a hammer or something?</span><br />
+  <span class="quote speech">Can you hand me one of these pipes?</span>
-  <span class="quote speech">One of these pipes over there should
+  <br />
-  do.</span><br />
   Jack picks up a section of metal pipe and passes it to her. Putting it
   over the wrench for additional leverage, she pushes against it until the
   bolt snaps with a bang.<br />
@@ -60,9 +58,10 @@
 <p>
   One by one, she removes the other nuts. Some of them snap off, some
   unscrew with considerable force. She lets go of the pipe and attempts
-  to lift the lid &ndash; it&apos;s still stuck in place. Using the wrench
+  to lift the lid &ndash; it&apos;s still stuck in place. She whacks
-  as a hammer, she whacks it until it comes loose...<br />
+  the wrench against its side until it comes loose...<br />
-  <span class="quote speech">There&apos;s nothing in here.</span><br />
+  <span class="quote speech">There&apos;s a whole loada nothing in
+  here.</span><br />
   <span class="quote speech"><i>Great.</i> I guess there are a bunch more
   we can try.</span> <span class="comment">needs a better reaction, may
   want to state disappointment explicitly</span><br />
@@ -71,8 +70,8 @@
   tank cars today.</span><br />
   <span class="quote speech">Let&apos;s see about that... Mind giving me
   the wrench for a moment?</span><br />
-  She hands it back to Jack. He jumps over the gap between cars and uses
+  He jumps over the gap between cars and uses it to knock against the wall
-  it to knock against the wall of the next tank.<br />
+  of the next tank.<br />
   <span class="quote speech">Sounds empty.</span>
 </p>
 <p>
@@ -83,32 +82,36 @@
   <span class="quote speech">Jackpot!</span> She sniffs the smell coming
   off the liquid inside. <span class="quote speech">Smells like
   diesel.</span><br />
-  <span class="quote speech">Nice! Let&apos;s find a truck or something
+  <span class="quote speech">Nice! Let&apos;s find a truck or something...
-  to drive around in... Wait, stupid idea but I need to show you
+  Wait, stupid idea but I need to show you...</span><br />
-  something.</span><br />
   <span class="quote speech">Oh no, what are you up to again?</span><br />
-  <span class="quote speech">Nothing in particular... Wanna follow me for a
+  <span class="quote speech">Nothing in particular. Wanna follow me for
-  sec?</span>
+  a sec?</span>
 </p>
 <p>
-  Michelle jumps down and follows him to the entrance of the building.
+  She jumps down and follows him back to the former doorway.
   They walk over the door on the floor, past a counter to the left, into
-  the wide open hall. It is dimly lit by the light that makes it through
+  a wide open hall. It is dimly lit by the light getting through
-  the dirty windows and small holes in the surprisingly intact roof.
+  dirty windows and small holes in the surprisingly intact roof.
   <span class="comment">note: Make it more clear that the windows are
   below the roof. Also, I imagine them to be milky windows for some reason.
   </span> A few rows of large industrial shelves on the other side of the
   hall hold partially rotting crates. To either side of them are open
   spaces with machine tools, small cranes, and other machinery. A few
-  plants grow here and there. Through the center of the hall leads a
+  plants grow here and there. A single train track gioes through the center
-  single train track with additional sets of rails for a gantry crane
+  of the hall with additional sets of rails for a gantry crane besides it.
-  besides it. At the end of the hall to the right, below the rusty crane,
+  To the right, at the end of the hall, sits a train wrapped up in tarps
-  sits a train wrapped up in tarps.
+  below the rusty gantry crane.
 </p>
 <p class="comment">
   The following dialog nededs to go / be entirely rewritten.
 </p>
 <p>
+  <!-- rewrite idea:
+  "So you wanna strap a generator to that thing?"
+  "It's the diesel-electric version, they let me test drive it a few
+  times."
+   -->
   <span class="quote speech">Stupid idea indeed</span>, she says while
   walking towards it. Then, she corrects herself:
   <span class="quote speech">Actually, it might be useful. That&apos;s one