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'mb' First Steps Outside: revision 

Some minor language improvements and a fix for the section with the
railing being before Annie voicing her astonishment of what she sees.
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BodgeMaster 2023-10-04 08:27:12 +02:00
parent c173c1c49a
commit 2348f48f6f
1 changed files with 20 additions and 21 deletions
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@ -14,10 +14,10 @@
sections. Moss grows on the rusted benches and trash cans.
</p>
<p>
Jack turns off the generator and applies the brakes. Clanging from under
the floor followed by the squeaking of the brakes. The train runs over a
bunch of bushes and tall flowers that have taken root on the tracks
before coming to a halt next to a staircase in the center of the
Jack turns off the generator and decelerates the train. Clanging from
under the floor followed by the squeaking of the brakes. The train runs
over a bunch of bushes and tall flowers that have taken root on the
tracks before coming to a halt next to a staircase in the center of the
platform.<br />
<span class="speech">Exit to the right</span>, he says in unison with the
automated voice while turning the switch for the doors and gesturing
@ -54,20 +54,24 @@
Jack chuckles. <span class="speech">Well... No. Only during the
day.</span><br />
Annie looks around. They are standing on a balcony-like platform
overlooking a city in a valley. She walks over to the rusted railing and
goes to lean against it.<br />
overlooking a city in a valley.<br />
<span class="speech">Wooow</span>, she utters in astonishment.<br />
<span class="speech">Ivydale - or at least what remains of it.</span>
<br />
She walks over to the rusted railing and goes to lean against it.<br />
<span class="speech">Don&apos;t lean on that.</span><br />
<span class="speech">Why not?</span> She steps back.<br />
<span class="speech">Why not?</span><br />
She steps back.<br />
<span class="speech">Watch.</span><br />
He kicks it. Loud cracking follows, and the ringing of metal. A roughly
two meter wide section of the railing breaks loose and falls. Annie takes
a bigger step back. The railing crashes into the ground below with a loud
ringing bang.<br />
<span class="speech">How did you know?</span><br />
<span class="speech">Be careful around old buildings. I made the same
mistake over there.</span><br />
<span class="speech">I made the same mistake over there.</span><br />
He points to another missing section in the railing that Annie
hadn&apos;t noticed before.
hadn&apos;t noticed before.<br />
<span class="speech">Be careful around old buildings.</span>
</p>
<p>
Cautiously stepping back to the edge, Annie looks down. Bushes cover the
@ -77,11 +81,6 @@
remains of roads and staircases. Small rivers cut through the landscape.
Annie looks up. The ruins further down the valley are larger the closer
they are to the center of the urban area below.<br />
<span class="speech">Wooow</span>, she utters in astonishment.<br />
<span class="comment">Would make sense for her to do that before the
whole &quot;don&apos;t lean on that&quot; thing...</span><br />
<span class="speech">Ivydale - or at least what remains of it.</span>
<br />
<span class="speech">It&apos;s much bigger than &lt;dome city&gt;.</span>
<br />
<span class="speech">Many things are bigger than &lt;dome city&gt;.
@ -91,12 +90,12 @@
used to call home.</span>
</p>
<p>
After showing her some notable landmarks, Jack leads Annie to the end of
the station that they entered it from. The balcony-like walkway turns
into a wide staircase where the mountain extends over the tunnels and the
back wall of the station. It leads down to a collapsed bridge next to a
large waterfall. Annie marvels at the sheer amount of water flowing by,
something that she&apos;s never seen before.
After pointing out some other notable landmarks, Jack leads Annie to the
end of the station that they entered it from. The balcony-like walkway
turns into a wide staircase where the mountain extends over the tunnels
and the back wall of the station. It leads down to a collapsed bridge
next to a large waterfall. Annie marvels at the sheer amount of water
flowing by, something that she&apos;s never seen before.
</p>
<p class="comment">
At this point, the documents are still in the driver&apos;s cabin and the