'ma' Escape From Dome City, 'mb' Firs Steps Outside: revision

Partially following comments I left while converting the whole thing to
HTML, partially I just saw something that I wanted to change.

I found somelogic issues that I’m gonna have to fix another time.

ma-Escape_From_Dome_City.html

@@ -9,18 +9,16 @@
 </p>
 <p>
   <span class="speech">Annie!</span> Someone shouts her name.
-  <span class="speech">Annie, get in here, run!</span>
+  <span class="speech">Annie, get in here, run!</span><br />
-</p>
+  She breaks out of her freeze. The train had turned out to be a single
-<p>
+  car. A single, slightly rusty railcar painted in different shades of
-  Annie breaks out of her freeze. The train had turned out to be a single
+  blue. <span class="comment">note: make it a theme that the metro is
-  car. A single rusty railcar painted in different shades of blue.
+  always yellow and red</span> The only person inside is the driver,
-  <span class="comment">note: make it a theme that the metro is always
+  turning away from the door he just opened - that has to be Jack. His
-  yellow and red</span> The only person inside is the driver, turning away
+  Neotek jacket flaps in the air as he runs to the other end of the train.
-  from the door he just opened - that has to be Jack. His Neotek jacket
+  While Annie is still running towards the open door, the motors start
-  flaps in the air as he runs to the other end of the train. While Annie is
+  humming. She jumps inside as the train starts to move back in the
-  still running towards the open door, the motors start humming. She jumps
+  direction it came from. The door closes just after leaving the platform.
-  inside as the train starts to move back in the direction it came from.
-  The door closes just after leaving the platform.
 </p>
 <p>
   The train accelerates with a force stronger than anything she has ever
@@ -37,11 +35,9 @@
   <span class="speech">Yes</span>, she breathes heavily,
   <span class="speech">but that was close.</span><br />
   After catching her breath for a moment, she says:<br />
-  <span class="speech">You arrived just in time. They were close on my
+  <span class="speech">You arrived just in time. They&apos;ve been
-  heels, but we got away.</span> <span class="comment">change this to say
+  following me around for a while but we got away.</span><br />
-  something like &quot;they were following me for/since/all the way&quot;
+  Jack seems to think for a short moment while his eyes stay fixated on the
-  </span><br />
-  Jack seems to think for a short moment while his eyes stay fixed on the
   track ahead.<br />
   <span class="speech">That remains to be seen. Coming through that
   airlock seems to have set off some sort of alarm. Like poking a stick
@@ -55,14 +51,16 @@
   <span class="speech">Anyway</span>, Jack continues,
   <span class="speech">this little expedition hasn&apos;t gone
   unnoticed.</span><br />
-  Short pause.<br />
+  Short pause.
+</p>
+<p>
   Looking outside again, Annie realizes:<br />
   <span class="speech">I have never seen one of these</span> &ndash; she
   knocks on the control panel &ndash; <span class="speech">go this
   fast.</span><br />
   <span class="speech">Me neither</span>, says Jack. He adds:
-  <span class="speech">There used to be trains that could go faster - a
+  <span class="speech">There used to be trains that could go faster &ndash;
-  lot faster - but not the metro.</span>
+  a lot faster &ndash; but not the metro.</span>
 </p>
 <p>
   After watching the tracks, stations, and buildings fly by for a couple
@@ -71,18 +69,19 @@
   manuals, everything we could find.</span><br />
   <span class="speech">Sounds good. Just put them in there for now.</span>
   <br />
-  He gestures towards a small cabinet next to the right side window.
+  He gestures towards a small cabinet in the back of the driver&apos;s
-  Annie places the pile on top of a few books <span class="comment">binders
+  cabin. Annie places the pile on top of a few folders and binders that are
-  </span>that are already in there. The train barrels through another
+  already in there. The train barrels through another station. Jack slowly
-  station. Jack slowly decelerates the train.<br />
+  decelerates the train.<br />
   <span class="speech">We&apos;re almost at your drop-off point, next
-  station is Crystal Park... uhhh and we might have a problem.</span><br />
+  station is Crystal Park ... uhhh ... and we might have a problem.</span>
+  <br />
   The train is going around a long curve overseeing the park and square in
   front of the station. &lt;Grandpa&apos;s friend&gt;&apos;s car is there,
   surrounded by police cruisers with flashing lights and open doors.<br />
   <span class="speech">What do we do now?</span><br />
   <span class="speech">Well I&apos;m sure as fuck not staying around to
-  see what they&apos;re doing down there.</span> Jack says while
+  see what they&apos;re up to down there.</span> Jack says while
   accelerating again. <span class="speech">I hope you&apos;re okay with
   coming with me.</span>
 </p>
@@ -92,17 +91,16 @@
   moment. They are now heading straight for the outer wall of the dome.
   The airlock, now in view, is rapidly coming closer. The inner
   &#8216;B33FY-AF&apos; door is wide open. Technicians and police are
-  standing around it in small groups, trying to figure out why
+  standing around it in small groups, trying to figure out why and how
-  <span class="comment">and how</span> it had opened. The ramps connecting
+  it had opened. The ramps connecting the street below to the airlock are
-  the street below to the airlock are full of parked transporters and
+  full of parked transporters and police cars. Some are even on the tracks
-  police cars. Some are even on the tracks but the one Annie and Jack are
+  but the one Annie and Jack are approaching on is mostly clear.
-  approaching on is mostly clear.
 </p>
 <p>
   <span class="speech">Hold onto something!</span> Jack slams on the
   brakes. The train loses power and rumbles over a bunch of switches.
   The headlights flicker and turn off. A police car that was parked too
-  close to the track gets flung aside. A bunch of technicians jump out of
+  close to their track gets flung aside. A bunch of technicians jump out of
   the way as the train passes them and rolls into the airlock where it
   comes to a screeching halt. Jack presses some buttons on the control
   panel.
@@ -131,7 +129,7 @@
   at her.<br />
   <span class="speech">What&apos;s this weird noise?</span><br />
   <span class="speech">The generator. There&apos;s no power out here so
-  the train has to generate its own power to drive.</span>
+  the train itself has to generate it to drive.</span>
 </p>
 <p>
   The police start banging on the outside of the train and yell something.
@@ -143,11 +141,11 @@
 </p>
 <p>
   <span class="speech">In a couple minutes, it&apos;s gonna get very
-  bright.</span> Jack says while accelerating the train again.
+  bright.</span> Jack says while driving the train into the tunnel.
   <span class="speech">Close your eyes if it&apos;s too bright. It might
-  take a while to get used to daylight.</span> <span class="comment">
+  take a while to get used to the sun.</span><br />
-  to the sun</span><br />
+  The train begins to move up a slight incline. An automated announcement
-  As the train moves through the tunnel, an automated voice comes on:<br />
+  comes on:<br />
   <span class="speech">Dear passengers, welcome to the combined
   Sentinel&nbsp;Shores and Ivydale local transit zone! Please keep in mind
   that the last train returning to &lt;underground city&gt; for today
@@ -157,15 +155,15 @@
   The train leans into a curve; Annie hears the screeching of the wheels
   grinding on the rails. After a moment, a blue-ish white shimmer appears
   on the walls of the tunnel. It gets brighter and brighter. The tunnel
-  straightens out again and the other end comes into sight. It&apos;s
+  straightens out again and the other end comes into view. It&apos;s much
   brighter than the light over Central Square. Annie closes her eyes but
   the light continues to get brighter. For a moment, she covers them with
   her hands as the train leaves the tunnel.
 </p>
 <p>
-  Annie hears Jack press some buttons and clicking relays. The motors go
+  Annie hears Jack press some buttons and the clicking of relays. The
-  quiet, the generator turns off, and the train starts to slow down. She
+  motors go quiet and the train starts to slow down. She tries to open her
-  tries to open her eyes but it&apos;s still too bright.<br />
+  eyes but it&apos;s still too bright.<br />
   <span class="speech">I think you could use a pair of sunglasses.</span>
   <br />
   <span class="speech">Sunglasses?</span><br />
@@ -178,9 +176,9 @@
   <span class="speech">We are now approaching Ivydale South. Your next
   connections are line 7 to Ivydale Distillery from platform 5, HST1511 to
   Siren&apos;s Edge from platform 14, HST815 to Nova Metropolis from
-  platform 11. This train will continue on line 5 to Sentinel Shores Fish
+  platform 11. This train will continue on line 5 to Sentinel&nbsp;Shores
-  Market via Ivydale West, Sentinel Shores Observatory, Sentinel Shores
+  Sea&nbsp;Market via Ivydale&nbsp;West, Sentinel&nbsp;Shores Observatory,
-  Central Station.</span><br />
+  Sentinel&nbsp;Shores Central Station.</span><br />
   After a moment, Jack says quietly:<br />
   <span class="speech">I wonder how much of these places is left...</span>
   Raising his voice back to a normal level, he adds:

mb-First_Steps_Outside.html

@@ -4,30 +4,32 @@
 <p>
   The station is is much larger than any of the metro stations inside the
   dome. It has many platforms. Portions of the tall roof that is supported
-  by long pillars have caved in and what&apos;s still standing has holes.
+  by large stone pillars and rusty steel beams have caved in and what&apos;s
-  Rays of light poke through holes in the walls and the roof. All of that
+  still standing has holes. Rays of light poke through holes in the walls
-  is visually stunning but what really catches Annie&apos;s eyes are the
+  and the roof. All of that is visually stunning but what really catches
-  plants everywhere. Parts of the platforms are densely covered in the
+  Annie&apos;s eyes are the plants everywhere. Parts of the platforms are
-  thin, green blades of some plant giving them a fuzzy look. Vines cling to
+  densely covered in the thin, green blades of some plant giving them a
-  the walls and pillars, crawl along gaps and edges, and hang from rusty
+  fuzzy look. Vines cling to the walls and pillars, crawl along gaps and
-  beams and the fringes of the caved in roof sections. Moss grows on the
+  edges, and hang from the rusty beams and the fringes of the caved in roof
-  rusted benches and trash cans.
+  sections. Moss grows on the rusted benches and trash cans.
 </p>
 <p>
-  After running over a bunch of bushes and tall flowers that have taken
+  Jack turns off the generator and applies the brakes. Clanging from under
-  root on the tracks, Jack brings the train to a stop next to a staircase
+  the floor followed by the squeaking of the brakes. The train runs over a
-  in the center of the platform.<br />
+  bunch of bushes and tall flowers that have taken root on the tracks
+  before coming to a halt next to a staircase in the center of the
+  platform.<br />
   <span class="speech">Exit to the right</span>, he says in unison with the
-  automated voice before turning the switch for the doors and gesturing
+  automated voice while turning the switch for the doors and gesturing
-  towards the passenger area.<br /> <span class="comment">br here?</span>
+  towards the passenger area.<br />
   <span class="speech">After you.</span>
 </p>
 <p>
   Annie walks over to the closest door and pushes the button. Pressurized
-  air hisses and the left half opens with a squeeking noise. They step out
+  air hisses and the right half opens very slowly. They step out onto the
-  onto the platform. Annie breathes the warm air. It smells of the run-over
+  platform. Annie breathes the warm air. It smells of the run-over plants.
-  plants. Insects are buzzing about, and the wind rustles through the
+  Insects are buzzing about, and the wind rustles through the leaves. She
-  leaves. She crouches down and touches the carpet of green fuzziness.<br />
+  crouches down and touches the carpet of green fuzziness.<br />
   <span class="speech">Grass. It grows pretty much everywhere, usually much
   taller than this though.</span><br />
   She looks up at him.<br />
@@ -47,13 +49,13 @@
 <p>
   Annie is hit by the light and warmth of the setting sun. She closes her
   eyes and faces it for a moment.<br />
-  <span class="speech">This is nice.</span> Then, she turns to Jack.
+  <span class="speech">This is nice.</span> She turns to Jack.
   <span class="speech">And this light is just always up there?</span><br />
-  <span class="comment">Jack chuckles</span>
+  Jack chuckles. <span class="speech">Well... No. Only during the
-  <span class="speech">Well... No. Only during the day.</span><br />
+  day.</span><br />
-  She looks around. They are standing on a balcony-like platform overlooking
+  Annie looks around. They are standing on a balcony-like platform
-  a city in a valley. She walks over to the rusted railing and goes to lean
+  overlooking a city in a valley. She walks over to the rusted railing and
-  against it.<br />
+  goes to lean against it.<br />
   <span class="speech">Don&apos;t lean on that.</span><br />
   <span class="speech">Why not?</span> She steps back.<br />
   <span class="speech">Watch.</span><br />
@@ -64,7 +66,8 @@
   <span class="speech">How did you know?</span><br />
   <span class="speech">Be careful around old buildings. I made the same
   mistake over there.</span><br />
-  He points to another missing section in the railing.
+  He points to another missing section in the railing that Annie
+  hadn&apos;t noticed before.
 </p>
 <p>
   Cautiously stepping back to the edge, Annie looks down. Bushes cover the
@@ -75,13 +78,15 @@
   Annie looks up. The ruins further down the valley are larger the closer
   they are to the center of the urban area below.<br />
   <span class="speech">Wooow</span>, she utters in astonishment.<br />
+  <span class="comment">Would make sense for her to do that before the
+  whole &quot;don&apos;t lean on that&quot; thing...</span><br />
   <span class="speech">Ivydale - or at least what remains of it.</span>
   <br />
   <span class="speech">It&apos;s much bigger than &lt;dome city&gt;.</span>
   <br />
   <span class="speech">Many things are bigger than &lt;dome city&gt;.
-  It&apos;s <span class="comment">This is</span> the smaller of two sister
+  This is the smaller of two sister cities.</span><br />
-  cities.</span> He points towards another urban center in the distance.
+  He points towards another urban center in the distance.<br />
   <span class="speech">That over there is Sentinel Shores, the place I
   used to call home.</span>
 </p>
@@ -93,6 +98,11 @@
   large waterfall. Annie marvels at the sheer amount of water flowing by,
   something that she&apos;s never seen before.
 </p>
+<p class="comment">
+  At this point, the documents are still in the driver&apos;s cabin and the
+  keys are still in the train. They need to come back for them before
+  leaving for the bunker.
+</p>
 <p>
   Jack goes ahead, climbing down the wall where the bridge used to begin
   by grabbing onto the edges of the large sandstone blocks. Annie struggles