05 Eventful Evening: Revision

05-Eventful_Evening-secret_organization.html

@@ -85,26 +85,25 @@
   station. The platform is empty except for a shady figure in a hoodie
   leaning against the wall, observing the train from under his hood. She
   looks at the clock in the station: 10:34 PM - a bit late. As soon as he
-  notices her, he steps away from the wall and walks up to the train.
-  <span class="comment"> Is there a more elegant way to say that he stops
-  leaning on the wall? </span> The pressurized air for the doors hisses in
-  the lines. Annie presses the button; the door opens.
+  notices her, he starts walking up to the train. The pressurized air for
+  the doors hisses in the lines. Annie presses the button; the door opens.
 </p>
 <p>
   <span class="quote speech">Hey, wait...</span><br />
-  The guy had made his way to the door and looks directly at her.
-  It&apos;s him from behind the library counter. <br />
+  He had made his way to the door and looks directly at her. It&apos;s the
+  guy from behind the library counter. <br />
   <span class="quote speech">We&apos;re gonna take this one for a couple
   stations.</span><br />
-  Annie steps aside and he gets on the train as well. <br />
-  <span class="quote speech">My name is Lucas, nice to meet you.</span>
-  <br />
-  He extends his hand as the doors close. <br />
-  <span class="quote speech">Annie.</span><br />
-  He probably knew that already, right?<br />
+  Annie steps aside and he gets on. <br />
+  <span class="quote speech">I&apos;m Lucas, nice to meet you.</span> He
+  extends his hand.<br />
+  <span class="quote speech">Annie.</span> He probably knew that already,
+  right?<br />
+  The door chime sounds and the doors close.<br />
   <span class="quote speech">Sorry for being late.</span><br />
-  The hum of the motors sets in and the train begins to move. <br />
-  <span class="quote speech">Perfect timing, I&apos;d say.</span><br />
+  The hum of the motors sets in and the train begins to move.<br />
+  <span class="quote speech">Perfect timing, I&apos;d say. We were gonna
+  take this one anyway.</span><br />
   He makes a short pause before continuing quietly:<br />
   <span class="quote speech">So about that interaction we had earlier today
   &ndash; I assume you want to leave the dome?</span><br />
@@ -128,18 +127,17 @@
 </p>
 <p>
   The streets are alive with people, seeminly few of them purposefully
-  moving in a specific direction; most of them are just meandering from
-  bar to bar. The street they are walking down is illuminated by strings
-  of lights hanging from the buildings and between street lights. The
-  muffled bass of techno coming from one of the buildings is in the air.
-  She enjoys the atmosphere, she hadn&apos;t been here in a little while.
+  moving in a specific direction; most are just meandering from bar to
+  bar. The street they are walking down is illuminated by strings of lights
+  hanging from the buildings and between street lights. The muffled bass of
+  techno is in the air. She enjoys the atmosphere, she hadn&apos;t been
+  here in a little while.
 </p>
 <p>
-  Lucas turns left and enters one of the bars, Annie still following him.
-  They make their way through the crowded bar towards the counter. The air
-  feels dense and depleted, and carries the smell of alcohol. Live
-  musicians are playing <span class="comment"> Idk? Music genre? Need ideas
-  </span> on a small stage area in the corner. <br />
+  Lucas suddenly turns left and enters one of the bars. Annie follows him.
+  The air feels dense and depleted, and carries the smell of alcohol. A guy
+  is playing ragtime on a piano in the corner. They make their way through
+  the crowded room towards the counter.<br />
   <span class="quote speech">Hey Kate, I&apos;ll take a Braincell Rattler
   and my uhh... friend here looks like she needs a coffee.</span><br />
   <span class="quote speech">Okay. Going to the back room?</span><br />
@@ -151,20 +149,20 @@
   Lucas takes off his hoodie and hangs it on a hook on the wall. Annie does
   the same with her jacket. She looks into the room: A bunch of people
   sitting around a large, round table - to her surprise including her
-  grandpa. <br />
-  <span class="quote speech">Grandpa Karl?</span>
-  <span class="comment">Language intuition question: Is this how one would
-  realistically refer to their grandpa?</span><br />
-  <span class="quote speech">Hi Annie!</span>
-  <span class="comment">TODO: Fix this</span><br />
-  Before she has time to voice her confusion, they get interrupted: <br />
-  <span class="quote speech">Here you go, your drinks. Enjoy!</span><br />
-  Lucas walks up to the window that connects to behind the counter. <br />
-  <span class="quote speech">Thank you!</span><br />
-  Annie takes a second to regain her composure. <span class="comment">
-  I don&apos;t think this is a great way to say that, Idk. </span>
+  grandpa. Before she has time to voice her confusion, Kate sets their
+  drinks on a small table next to a window connecting to behind the
+  counter.<br />
+  <span class="quote speech">Here you go, enjoy!</span><br />
+  Lucas walks up to it. <span class="quote speech">Thank you!</span><br />
+  Annie takes a moment to process the situation.
+  <span class="comment">Is there a better way to say this?</span><br />
   <span class="quote speech">Thanks.</speech>
 </p>
+<p class="comment">
+  Someone else to the grandpa: Addresses him with Karl.
+  ...
+  Karl to Annie: I guess I owe you an explanation.
+</p>
 <p>
   They sit down at the table. Karl starts introducing people and some
   introduce themselves. Then, he continues talking about the group&apos;s